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      "body": "On the island—-\n\nHad terrible stomach pains—-followed by being sick.\n\nFor the first time ever, I felt seasick on the ferry crossing. \n\nGross discharge.\n\nTwo days till my Aunt flow is to start.\n\nThe bed here at our hotel is super comfy. I don’t know if it’s extra comfy due to feeling ill and tired....or it is that comfortable.\n\nMy cramps seem to come and go. I feel worried and then I don’t feel worried.\n\nI hate beating myself up for letting him lead me on again. \n\nHe said he loved me. And then the next day told me that he can never see me again. \nWhy do I fall for this over and over again?\n\n\nJune 05, 2016\n\nWeird discharge. Brown.\n\nSlight cramping today.\n\nI feel sad. Trying not to feel sad. Mom said to write out everything so I’m not feeling it bottled up inside.\n\nBut I don’t how to write the pain I am feeling. I fell for his lines again, his saying he needs me. I’m the only one who gets him....then while I was sleeping he wakes me with kisses. We finished and I lay next to him feeling content. He said he loved me, but I didn’t say it back.\nI keep thinking if I had said it back, then he wouldn’t have said “after this we can never see each other again, I don’t think we can be friends anymore....I have to go back.” \n\nI wasn’t holding him back. I wasn’t giving him an altimatium. He wasn’t in a relationship and neither was I. But sometime in the night the mother of his daughter wrote to him. And that Morning after telling me he loved me, he told me we could never see each other again. \n\nHere I am travelling to forget and not grieve what only happened a weeks earlier. Laying in a bed overlooking the harbour of Victoria. \n\nJune 06th, 2016\n\nHe messaged me.\n\nI didn’t reply.\n\n\nJune 13th, 2016\nHe messaged asking to borrow $100 for food. He says his mother will not loan him money for groceries.\nI don’t reply.\nI send the money.\n\nWhy did i send the money? I’m so stupid.\n\n\nLate June I start having symptoms....no period. Something has changed. \n\nI’m too scared to take a test. \nSoup and crackers have become my friend. \n\nI’ll find out in the next month I am pregnant. \n ![image](https://img.esteem.ws/kddp62nmxl.jpg)",
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      "title": "Narcissts and what they mean when they say I Love you",
      "body": "The following does not belong to me. The author is By Athena Staik, Ph.D. for TheMindsJournal\nI find it the closest thing to what it was like, living with my ex narcissist for five years. The truth behind the “I love you” ring true.  Please read.  It’s sad really that I have examples for each one \n\n ![image](https://img.esteem.ws/1c53xmvlc6.jpg)\n(Photo curtesy of chump lady- google)\n\nEnjoy! \n\n“ ‘I love you’ are some of the most powerful words one person can say to another, and while their meaning is universal, sometimes the person saying them can’t grasp this meaning.\n\nThis letter is to the unfortunate many who have fallen in love with someone who will always love themselves more than they can love another. Written from the view of the narcissist hell bent on keeping that person under their thumb.\n\nDear Codependant Partner,\n\nWhat I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.\n\nAnd that’s the whole point. \n\nWhen I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.\n\nI love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.\n\nI love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.\n\nI love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.\n\nI love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)\n\n(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)\n\n“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.\nI love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.\n\n“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.\n\nI love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.\n\n(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)\n\nIt makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.\n\n(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!)\n\n(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)\n\nI love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).\n\nI love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.\n\n“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)\n\n“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.\n\nI love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.\n\nI love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others … and you!).\n\n“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in line.)\n\nAnd I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”\n\nI love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.\n\nI love how I skillfully manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.\n\nI love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.\n\nI love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy.\n\nI love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you.\n\nI love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.\n\nI love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.\n\nWhile I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.\n\nI love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.\n\nIn short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.\n\nThanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.\n\nForever love-limiting \n\nNarcissist”\n\nhttp://soulspottv.com/blog/i-love-you-perspective-of-a-narcissist/",
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      "permlink": "re-clarapond-re-razaarain-2018210t103047973z-20180210t200556858z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "totally ignore him. whatever he say.  dont give him any reply. soon he will stop texting you",
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      "body": "Thanks! It’s been months since leaving, and he still messages.",
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      "body": "I know melodramatic title. \n ![image](https://img.esteem.ws/favkwotelo.jpg)\n\nI'm coming to terms with the end of an abusove relationship with a covert narcissist. \n\nI have low moments, where I say silently to myself \"I miss him.\"\n\nNow friends and family have said to me \"what's wrong with you---how can you be.\"\n\nWell I researched that very question, and the term is called -trauma bonding-\n\nOver the years and early days I was groomed, groomed in to needing him. If he was silent then it was something I had done and I needed to do more to make it up. Systemically, it wears down my self esteem, independence, and ability to function of. Y own free will. \n\nMany of the people I talk to in the support group, have all had similar experiences. \n\nIn the old days it worked on a cycle. \n\nLove bombing. \n-I love you \nI miss you\n-your the only one who really gets me\nThis is my girlfriend\n-I hate having to leave, I wish we could just stay like this.\nETC ETC ETC....\n\n\nThen comes devaluation. \n-silent treatment \n-triangulation \n\nLeaving me wondering what I had done, that suddenly he stopped talking to me.\nWhat had I done that he's curt to me\nWhat had I done!?\n\nI remember googling \"what does it mean if he is giving you the silent treatment?\"\n\nI hadn't experienced that before in any other relationship. \n\nThen out of the blue he'd return. Apologies and affection with him. \n\nThen just as sudden as everything else, I would be discarded. \nI remember the first discard, and yes the first. \nIt was three days after I said \"I love you\" for the first time.\nHe said it back as he held me, laying in bed. \n\n\nThen three days passed and I was told to go away never speak to him again and that he didn't love\nMe. \n\nIt crushed me. I felt like I had just lost the love of my life. \nWhat had I done?\n\n\nThat's a phrase, I would continue to say and ask over five years. \n\nI grieved, a grief that felt similar to the grief I felt at the death of my Father.\n\nMonths passed and he returned, a passionate affair one night....followed by silence and cruelty. \n\n\nIt's taken a long time to come to terms with what I really mean when I say I miss him. \n\nI miss the man I fell I love with. The mask he pretended to be to win my affections. \n\nHe then would let the mask fall away and reveal the monster he was. \nIn the following early days, I used to think that the mask was the real him and the monster was fake. \nI thought that the real him/the man I fell for was caged behind the monster. Needed help to be freed. \nAnd the monster held him back. \n\nBut it time to realize that that the man I loved is not real. He never was real. That he never existed. \nThat the monster was the real him all along and is the only thing that exists. \n\n\nIt takes time, slowly, to heal from all the years of verbal and emotional abuse. To remind myself of the pain and to learn from it and not ever forget, because in the weak moments I remember the \"I'm sorry's\" after the abusive moment we're not real and was deigned to make me not leave. \n\n\nGrow and learn, and hopefully heal.",
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