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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @cryptopeak! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@cryptopeak/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@cryptopeak) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=cryptopeak)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "author": "cryptopeak",
      "body": "@@ -610,13 +610,18 @@\n get \n-a \n suc\n+h a rus\n h, b\n",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Wow, things have been a fucking roller coaster. I haven't been writing as much and I have a surprising amount of acceptance about that. I have been taking care of practical life stuff really well. I have attended meetings bi-weekly. I have told lots of people, and will tell my family soon.</p>\n<p>I'm so fucking proud. I've had such a difficult six weeks, but I can see how life will be better throughout recovery.</p>\n<p>I have had some intense urges, but even they are subsiding more and more. I don't feel scared to be on my computer alone for fear of playing online poker. When I think of it I get a such, but it doesn't feel worth it at all.</p>\n<p>Today, I did not gamble.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Last bet-July 24th</p>\n<p>I attended my second GA meeting and received my 30-day pin. I'm very proud because recovery has been very hard. Attending GA seems incredibly important for recovery. I will be sure to continue attending on a regular basis. My energy for recovery is still high.</p>\n<p>I have so much anger still, but I am trying to be grateful for each day. Even the shitty parts.</p>\n<p>Today is another day without gambling.</p>\n<p>I have not gambled.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p><br></p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Day 28</p>\n<p>I'm going to try to celebrate.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I'm in so much pain today. I don't know if it is related to withdraw symptoms or other things in my life or both.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Fuck, though. My mind is crushing me, and my body feels like it is going to fall apart. Trying to hold it together.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>I have not gambled.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>It has been a few days since I've written. I've had so much going on with two different jobs. Most pressingly, I have been struggling emotionally after my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know if she wants to support me through recovery. She told me that she doesn't trust me. I totally understand that. I haven't been completely honest with her because she did not know about my poker playing. Yet, it hurts because she is the person I want support from the most. She is very understanding and compassionate with me (at least when she trusts me). It's hard to be patient, while continuing to remember that rebuilding trust is a process. I will have to face some hard truths about addiction recovery by the end of the week. I will tell my mother and father, as well as one employer that I will no longer be working there. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about doing that, but I have to be fully honest and jump in with two feet.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>I have so much more to say, but my stomach hurts from anxiety. I realize that I have been numbing anger with gambling for a lot of years. I have been really pissed off lately. It feels terrible.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>I have not gambled.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n</html>",
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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @cryptopeak! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@cryptopeak/posts.png?201908160005\"></td><td>You published more than 20 posts. Your next target is to reach 30 posts.</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@cryptopeak) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=cryptopeak)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Day 22 <br>\n</p>\n<p>I am travelling for work today. Additionally, I just got paid. There is worry and anxiety in my body about gambling while I’m in a new space. I have a plan in place if I the urges become intense, but I don’t trust myself yet. &nbsp;<br>\n</p>\n<p>I have tried to frame not gambling as a practice in self-respect. I could gamble on my computer and no one would know. That used to be a convincing reason for me to gamble. However, I see clearly now that I will know if I gamble. I think only an addicts and highly compulsive people will understand the disconnection from self through lying and justification. &nbsp;<br>\n</p>\n<p>If I gamble, I will know. If I gamble, I will suffer. If I suffer, other people will suffer. Other people will want to numb because they suffer. I have planted a garden of suffering when I gamble. I no longer tend to this garden. <br>\nIt is clear to me that I have substituted social risk-taking with compulsive gambling. I don’t have to explore an unknown city when I play poker on my computer. Rather, I’ve spent years sitting alone in a room playing poker against other people sitting alone in their room. I’m sure it would seem more risky to the average person to put thousands of dollars on the line rather than go explore a city by themselves. But I have been caught in a trap for over a decade. I am not the scared teenager I once was. I am capable of soothing myself when things become difficult, and I am capable of having fun.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><br>\nReconnecting with myself during recovery is so invigorating. I can see how life will be different in this path. I will grieve the missed opportunities of my youth, yet I will not continued to make the same mistakes which isolate me from people. That is too painful. Connection with others will be scary and painful too, but I know it will be better than being alone. <br>\n</p>\n<p>For anyone who thinks that their poker addiction or gambling addiction is a financial problem, I promise you it is not. It is the constant lying and scheming that eats away at the soul. <br>\n</p>\n<p>Some may read this and think: “this is just someone that sucks at poker.” You my be right. In fact, you are definitely right. It doesn’t matter the strategy that you employ in a game if you can’t leave until you lose. I’ve ran up 20-30 buy-ins at 2-5 plo only to lose it back immediately at 5/10 and 10/20. I’d make 30k and then think about how I should just turn it into 100k-200k. But I’m an addict. If I got there I’d try to turn it into a million, and then millions of millions.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><br>\nI lived with the delusion that I was in control, and that I could stop. I see clearly that I am not, and that I can’t. &nbsp;I’m am in the beginning stages of acceptance that I could not make it in poker. That’s okay. I can live with that. I can see the other things that I offer to the world, and I will work to grow them.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I did not gamble today.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.&nbsp;</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Yay! Three weeks to the day is the last bet I made.</p>\n<p>I have no money after torching 13K over a two week span, but I feel powerful as can be. I mean NO money. Like, visas are maxed, maxed beyond the limit, and my debit has reached its overdraft limit. I know it will be tough in the next couple of days, but I feel like I have solid supports in place right now.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>It is funny how good having literally no money feels knowing that I will be paid in two days. It is a challenge. There is a rush. For a gambling addict this is exciting: \"how will I make it through the next few days?!\"&nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>I have not gambled in three weeks.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>I felt a lot of emotions as I attended the GA meeting. An incredible cocktail of shame, excitement, fear, curiousity, necessity, and determination was present in my body. It lasted for the first hour of the meeting. I was the last to speak. It was almost comical sitting there, ruminating, listening, not knowing what was to come out of my mouth.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>The urge to cry was present throughout the meeting as I listened to peoples' stories. Yet, when it was my turn to speak I was not overcome with emotion. It was like all of the air I've ever held in my lungs escaped and the first breath of my life entered my lungs.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>My GF and I went out for beer and chips post meeting. It was then that I cried describing what I learned and shared at the meeting.</p>\n<p>The meeting caused me to realize that the recovery journey will be fucking hard. I will confront the shittiest part of me and allow other people to confront that part as well. I will not be able to control the narrative of my life. I will be exposed.</p>\n<p>I always thought that after I shared the gambler aspect of me that I would hate myself, but I don't. I love myself, actually. I feel powerful, and I feel scared, and I feel powerful, and I feel scared. But, at least I'm feeling. It is <em>so</em> much better than the isolation of a computer screen, trying to take money from people at a \"game\". It is a fresh start and I am making the most of it.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Day 20</p>\n<p>I went to GA last night.</p>\n<p>What an incredible feeling—to have my shame out on the table and received so warmly by others. It was a profound experience to listen to the stories of others. I'm very excited to go back to another meeting.</p>\n<p>I have not gambled.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p><br></p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>I am going to my first GA meeting tonight.</p>\n<p>Can anyone tell me what to expect? Is it expected that people talk at their first meeting?</p>\n<p>Thanks.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p><strong>Day 19</strong></p>\n<p>Yesterday was a tough day. I had lots of arguments with my partner. Understandably, she feels scared given the fact that I withheld my gambling addiction from her. Nonetheless, she is being very supportive and listens to me vent all of my long-held secrets and shames. Likewise, I try to be patient and remember that I have had years to process the fact the I gamble; she has only had a few weeks.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>On top of that, my sister is in the hospital right now. It's wild. I clearly see how I used gambling to escape the reality of my feelings. Sometimes I wouldn't even play, but rather go onto poker sites to read about the latest high stakes poker players. This was still getting lost in fantasy. Not reading about poker at all is actually a lot harder than not playing. For now, at least.</p>\n<p>I will not gamble today.</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>Today is a good day.&nbsp;</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Holy shit. Tough day.</p>\n<p>Didn't gamble though.</p>\n<p>Today is a good day.</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "Congratulations @cryptopeak! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@cryptopeak/posts.png?201908091544\"></td><td>You published more than 10 posts. Your next target is to reach 20 posts.</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@cryptopeak) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=cryptopeak)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Day 16\n\nIt has been a while since I have journaled. A lot has happened, but mostly I have been in transit, travelling with my GF, visiting a good friend, and attending a festival.\n\nI have not gambled. I am so proud. I feel very powerful. \n\nTwo huge things happened for me:\n\nI told my GF, and I told my best friend.\n\nHoly shit! What  a pile of shame, and they were both very supportive about it.\n\nMy girlfriend has hurt and upset because I came clean about other lies that stemmed from the fact that I was broke because of my addiction. She is supporting me, but is also very upset. I want to be the victim and be mad at her for not providing unconditional support, but I know that is not reality. She should be upset. All of her issues are things that I have hated about myself for the last 10 years of my life. I was so scared that people would see this side of me and hate me, but I did not realize that no one could hate them more than me. I have been disgusted with myself for so long. I now feel liberated. I have a clean slate. I have come clean about the shittiest parts of me and know for sure that two people still love me. It is better than any feeling I have ever experienced whilst gambling. Higher than any high.\n\nToday is a good day.",
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      "body": "Day 7/1 Week!\n\nWO!\n\nAnother day without gambling. I have made it to a week. I haven't looked at any poker sites either, although that drive is really strong. I am worried about the day I have 50,000$ saved. That's a hilariously far way into the future, but I feel like I need to stay vigilant and respect how difficult the addiction is to manage. \n\nToday I looked forward to chatting with the gambling part of my mind. I'm up at 6:00AM writing! How wonderful?!\n\nNot gambling is fucking energizing. Hiding gambling was so much part of my life.\n\nToday is a good day.",
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      "body": "Day 6\n\nI am nervous and hungover. I feel rushed. I sabotage contentment. Day 6 without gambling and I feel weird. Stomach is constantly upset. Also from drinking too much, I guess. \n\nI am going to continue having conversations with myself. Those seem to help a lot. That side of me feels overwhelming and out of control. I don't feel hopeful or happy right now. I feel regret and resentment. What the fuck have I been doing with my life? \n\nYet, the desire to experience more of life is strong. I am resentful of having wasted so much of my life playing poker. Trying to get ahead caused me so much pain. Getting breaks from my 'addict mind' is so joyful. I can just spend time listening.\n\nToday is a good day.",
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      "body": "Day 5\n\nI will not gamble today.\n\nI went down to 'city x' with my GF. I did not gamble.\n\nI did get pretty tipsy, though. In fact, I have drank a lot this week. I have taken notice of this and will stop until I go visit 'x'. \n\nI am still struggling with whether or not to tell people.  It is amazing to acknowledge it to myself. I wonder if my dad is hiding anything. He and I have similar addict mannerisms. I guess this is the part of me that wants to blame the urges on someone else. How does that HELP? lol.\n\nWhen I am 'x age' I will celebrate 10 years clean. That is the vow to myself. I  realized that I have previously vowed outwards. I am sorry. I see you now. The part of me that hurts so much. I see that I am cruel to you. That I leave you stranded. You feel I though you have something to prove. You don't have anything to prove. I may tell lies, but that is because I need time and space to work through my addiction. One day I will tell 'x'. I love her so much. If I can fix it alone---ohhh no...That doesn't seem like a productive thought. It is helpful to see these thoughts more clearly now.\n\nToday is a good day.",
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      "body": "Day 3\n\nI am deciding that I am done working for free. Each time I gamble I end up working for free. I am finished with that feeling. I have changed. It is done.\n\nI am thankful that I have found recovery. \n\nIf I go back it will be very dark. When I gamble I don't prioritize myself or those closest to me. I hurt myself. I hurt others.\n\nI listened to 'The After Gambling Podcast' again today. The was an episode on 'Infinite vs. Finite Games' that I found very helpful.\n\nToday is a good day.",
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      "body": "I will not gamble today. The pain is too great.\n\nThink of all of the things you can accomplish if you put that resolve toward other things in your life. \n\nToday is a good day.\n\nxoxo",
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      "body": "Day 1—Healing Gambling/Poker Addiction\n\nToday marks one day without gambling. Sure, it is will power, but I am also broke. I'm 28 years old and am employed in a professional position. I have been gambling, aka playing poker, since I was 16 years old. Yesterday, after losing at my local casino, I started to have thoughts of stealing things to make more cash. It is the first time I have had this thought. It felt serious. I really wanted to take something so I could square away my debts. But, I thought, that would really hurt someone. Who have I become? I guess when you're not worried about hurting yourself, you plant a garden in the mind that is capable of stealing from someone else. In the 12 years that I have gambled I have not one sought out support. Today, I listened to 'The After Gambling Podcast'. I am proud of myself for listening. I didn't think I'd ever seek out help. \n\nIt is so tiring being consumed by poker. I know all the names of famous players, but they do not know mine. I have no friends in a world that I am so familiar with. It is so lonely. It fucking shocking to realize. I like privacy to an extent, but this is simply hiding. \n\nThe rush of motivation to quit is so strong today. I feel like my energy spent to adjust other parts of my life has been a waste, when, now that I vow not to gamble, I believe I will receive significant results in other areas of my life. I paused while writing this thought as the gambling, evil, compulsive side of me said: \"you won't quit! You've tried before!\"\n\nThe gambling side of me is cruel. He is also a coward. I will learn to love him, even if he does not love me.",
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      "body": "I'm here to write about BEOS—the middle-chain between Bitshares and EOS. I now have 100,000BTS staked for the BEOS rainfall. Over the past two week I have collected 85,000 BEOS, and 180KB of RAM. The BEOS rainfall continues for another 75 days, while RAMfall continues for another 90 weeks in total. \n\nFind out how to stake your BTS for BEOS below and come join the rainfall!\n\nhttps://steemit.com/bitshares/@stan/beos-launches-today-here-s-how-to-get-yours\n\nPeak",
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