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      "author": "deshavitra",
      "body": "![IMG_20160124_143148.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmVg4zJLTDvtd1tXTK94iyrFahFfqiwPE1bqTHFMwdwEPf/IMG_20160124_143148.jpg)\n\nRiuh rendah suara pengunjung di restoran ini tak membantu memecah kesunyian antara aku dan dia. Kalau aku tak salah hitung, sudahlah aku duduk disini selama 15 menit. \n\n“Kamu apa kabar?” Tanyanya akhirnya.\n\n“Baik.” Jawabku.\n\n“Kamu udah gemukan sekarang.”\n\n“Kamu juga. Pipimu makin tembem.” Aku tak mau kalah. Lalu kami tertawa kecil. Canggung. Tak lama setelah itu kami kembali sibuk dengan minuman masing-masing.\n\nTak banyak yang berubah dari dirinya. Dia masih tampan seperti dulu. Hanya saja sekarang dia kelihatan lebih gemuk dari sebelumnya. 4 tahun yang lalu. Ya… 4 tahun sudah kami tak saling bertatap muka dan bertegur sapa. Hari ini aku yang mengajaknya bertemu di sini. Di tempat yang sama saat 4 tahun yang lalu kami sering bertemu. Ternyata, pertemuan bukanlah obat dari sebuah kerinduan. Dialah candu dari kerinduan itu sendiri. Semakin bertemu, semakin rindu.\n\nDia masih memesan jus sirsak kesukaannya. Aku dan jus alpukatku. Kami masih dengan selera yang sama. Tapi pikiran yang mungkin berbeda. Aku tak tahu apa yang dia pikirkan. Tapi ada yang berkecamuk di dalam pikiranku, hatiku. Aku sudah akan mengambil sesuatu dari dalam tasku, saat dia tiba-tiba berkata, “Aku sudah bercerai.”\n\nGlekk. Jantungku berdegup kencang. Aku tak yakin dengan apa yang aku dengar. Aku menoleh ke kiri dan ke kanan untuk mencari sumber suara. Tapi tak ada orang lain yang sedang berbicara denganku. Aku menatapnya, menunggu dia mengklarifikasi ucapannya.\n\n“Aku sudah bercerai dengan istriku. Kami sudah berpisah selama satu tahun.” Dia menjelaskan.\nAku masih terpaku membisu. Benarkah ini? Apakah ini hanya suara harapan dari hatiku saja yang terlontar dari bibirnya?\n\n“Kenapa tak pernah mengabariku?” Shiitt. Pertanyaan macam apa ini??? Aku tak lagi bisa berpikir jernih.\nDia terdiam sangat lama, sampai akhirnya dia berkata jujur, “Aku sudah menghapus nomor handphonemu, dan aku berusaha untuk tidak menghubungimu lagi dan mengganggu hidupmu, sejak kau memutuskan untuk pergi dari hidupku.”\n\nMataku memanas. Hatiku perih. \n\nSungguh itukah yang dia lakukan terhadapku selama 4 tahun ini? Menghapus nomorku? Melupakanku?\nSaat aku masih memandangi profil Whatsap-nya, dan melihat dia sedang online. Berharap kalau dia akan menyapaku lebih dulu. Tapi ternyata tidak terjadi karena dia sudah menghapus nomorku.\n\nAku tidak sanggup berkata-kata. Nanti jatuh airmataku.\n\n“Tapi waktu kamu mengajakku untuk bertemu disini. Aku senang sekali. Inilah saatnya aku harus memberitahumu. Mungkin ini takdir kita dipersatukan oleh Tuhan. Sekalipun kita sudah berpisah 4 tahun, tapi takdir mempertemukan kita kembali untuk bersatu.” Ucapnya dengan penuh keyakinan.\n\nEntahlah. Aku tak tahu apa yang aku rasakan saat dia berkata seperti itu. Haruskah aku senang? Atau justru sebaliknya, aku merasa sedih. Takdir seperti mempermainkanku, mempermainkan kami.\n\nKu genggam tangannya erat. Genggaman itu kuyakin untuk diriku sendiri. Lalu aku mengambil undangan pernikahanku dan aku berikan padanya.\n“Datang yaa… pestanya di rumahku, bulan depan.” Ku pelankan suaraku agar tak terdengar parau bercampur dengan isak tangis.\n\nSejenak ingatanku melayang pada 5 tahun yang lalu saat kami masih ‘bersama’. Bagaimana dia mengisi hari-hariku. Membawa kebahagiaan dalam hidupku, di tengah-tengah kesibukkanku sebagai dokter. Setahun kami bahagia bersama. Perlahan aku mulai sadar bahwa cintaku semakin dalam. Kami memang tak pernah mendeklarasikan perasaan cinta satu sama lain. Tapi aku tahu dia mencintaiku, dan aku pun sama. Tapi aku sadar tindakanku salah. Aku sudah merebut kebahagiaan wanita lain, istrinya. Bukan, bukan itu. Aku tak punya pikiran semulia itu. \n\nAku memutuskan menjauh dan pergi dari kehidupannya, karena aku tau, cintaku tak akan kemana-mana. Aku tak mungkin memintanya berpisah dengan ibu dari anak-anaknya. Pun aku tahu, dia tak akan meninggalkan mereka hanya demi seorang aku.\n\nDan disinilah kami 4 tahun kemudian saat terakhir kali bertemu aku memintanya untuk tidak mengganggu hidupku lagi dan menyakiti hatinya berkata bahwa aku muak dengan dirinya. Semata-mata hal itu kulakukan agar ia membenciku dan juga melupakanku. \n 4 tahun aku berusaha menghilangkan rasa itu. 4 tahun aku mencoba melupakannya. Berhasilkah aku? Entahlah.\n\n“Dia seorang dokter juga?” Setelah hening yang panjang akhirnya ia memecah kebekuan.\n“Iya.” Suaraku tercekat.\n“Kamu ngajak kita ketemu disini untuk ngasih undangan ini ke aku?”\n“Iya.”\nDia mematung di tempatnya.\n\nLama kami terdiam saat dia bertanya, “ Kamu cinta sama dia?”\nAku terkejut mendengar perkataan itu. Aku tak tahu harus berkata apa. Cintakah aku pada calon suamiku itu? Kami sudah lama kenal. Tapi menjadi sangat dekat dan memutuskan untuk menikah hanya dalam hitungan bulan saja.\n\n“Kalau aku tak cinta dia, mana mungkin aku menikahinya.” Jawabku akhirnya.\n“Cinta atau tidak? Jawab saja.”\nAku memandanginya. “Cinta.” \n“Sama seperti cintamu padaku?” \nAku diam. Sangat lama.\n\nDia berkata lagi, “Seandainya, aku tidak membuat kesalahan dengan menghapus nomormu. Seandainya, ketika aku baru saja bercerai, aku mencarimu, seandainya tidak seterlambat ini. Maukah kau menikah denganku?” Dia terus berandai-andai. Dan dengan jelas kulihat air mata jatuh di pipinya. Dia sama sekali tidak berusaha menyembunyikannya.\n\nAku menatapnya lekat-lekat. Berusaha mencari tahu ada apa dibalik matanya. Harapankah? Cintakah? Atau egokah? \n\n“Jawab aku.” Dia memaksa. Inilah sifatnya yang tidak aku sukai. Egois. Memaksakan kehendak.\n\n“ Aku tidak ingin berandai-andai pada sesuatu yang tidak bisa terulang lagi. Hanya akan menambah luka.” Kataku.\n\n“Lalu jawab aku!! Apakah kau mencintainya seperti kau mencintai aku?” Dia berkata, dan aku bisa melihat binar harap di matanya.\n\n“TIDAK!!” Jawabku mantap. Aku tak tahu darimana kekuatan suaraku saat itu.\n\nMendadak aku melihat dia hampir tersenyum bahagia. Dan disinilah aku kembali tersadar untuk kedua kali. Jangan memberikan harapan kosong untuk kedua kali pada laki-laki baik hati ini.\n\nBergegas aku menyambung kalimatku,” Tidak sama. Karena aku tidak pernah mencintaimu. Aku mencintai calon suamiku dengan caraku sendiri. Dan kau, hanya sebagai sahabat lama ku saja. Aku kemari sebagai seorang sahabat yang memberi undangan pernikahan pada sahabat lamanya.” Entah dari mana alasan bohong itu tiba-tiba kudapatkan. \n\nDengan air mata yang masih jatuh, dia bertanya, “Tidak pernah mencintaiku?”\n\n“Tidak.”\n\n“Sama sekali?”\n\n“Tidak pernah.”\n\n“Sedikitpun tidak pernah?”\n\n“SEDIKITPUN TIDAK PERNAH!!!” Suaraku meninggi, lalu aku menambahkan, “Dengar, kita lupakan saja semua tentang kita. Kau harus jalani hidupmu. Dan aku pun begitu. Jika menurutmu degan menghapus nomorku dan segala tentangku sangat berguna untukmu, silahkan. Dan aku akan melakukan hal yang sama. Itu akan jadi cara bagiku agar tak mengganggumu lagi.”\n\nAku bangkit dari dudukku. Seperti empat tahun silam. Meninggalkannya, sendirian. \n\nIni memang salahku. Seandainya aku tak mengajaknya bertemu hari ini disini. Hal ini tak akan terjadi. Aku tak harus menyakiti hatinya untuk kedua kali. Aku tak harus membuat hidupnya hancur setelah 4 tahun dia menatanya dengan susah payah.\nIni semua salahku. \nAku telah menghancurkan hatinya.\nJuga hatiku.\n\nTernyata 4 tahun bukanlah waktu yang cukup bagiku untuk melupakannya. Aku masih saja dihantui oleh bayang-bayangnya. Lalu bagaimana pernikahan yang akan aku jalani nanti?\n\nHening. Aku tak bisa menjawab.\n\nSatu hal yang aku yakini. Ini adalah takdirku. Sekuat apapun aku berusaha bersatu dengannya, takdir Tuhanlah yang berkuasa. Tuhan memberikan apa yang dibutuhkan oleh hamba-Nya, bukan apa yang mereka inginkan.\n\nMungkin 4 tahun tidak cukup bagiku melupakannya. Mungkin 6 tahun, 8, 12 tahun. Bagiku itu hanyalah perihal angka. Tapi aku yakin, aku pasti punya limit waktu untuk melupakan seseorang. \n\nBaginya. Aku berharap, dia pun segera menemukan limit waktunya sendiri.\n\nUntuk melupakanku.\n\n\nDESHA\n\nNovember 2016",
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