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      "parent_permlink": "community",
      "author": "incommunity",
      "permlink": "lonelinessisanepidemiccommunityistheantidote-bciajrpm0z",
      "title": "Loneliness is an Epidemic, Community is the Antidote",
      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/sasha-freemind-Pv5WeEyxMWU-unsplash-e1575406878162.jpg</center> <br/><img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/sasha-freemind-Pv5WeEyxMWU-unsplash-1024x683.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-339390\" width=\"768\" height=\"512\"/>\n<br/>\n<p>I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve been pretty lonely lately.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Here I am, Executive Director of the Foundation for Intentional Community, and while technically I am living in a community, my current transitional and transitory lifestyle, including working remotely, is leaving me isolated a lot of the time. It feels terrible, and it’s hard not to feel bad about myself for being in this situation.</p>\n<p>And here we are on Giving Tuesday, the non-profit response to Black Friday, when, rather than buying a bunch of stuff, you’re supposed to support the causes you believe in and feel like you’re part of something. But for-profit or non-profit, it’s all fueling what is increasingly being identified as an epidemic of loneliness.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Last March I left my long-term home of Twin Oaks Community (14 years of membership total, 19 years in the area) and have been a nomadic communard, driving 25,000 miles, visiting over 20 communities, and attending 5 conferences. As much as moving on from Twin Oaks was the right thing, I acutely feel a painful, gaping hole where there had been a deep familiarity of people and place.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Being so used to having people around me all the time, even if they drove me nuts sometimes, the feeling of disconnection makes me realize how much we need each other to feel complete in our experience as social animals. I frequently feel both a sharp pain of something missing along with a numbness, a combination of sadness and despair, that can easily lead towards depression.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>We in the FIC have been talking a lot about loneliness lately. All of a sudden a convincing <a href=\"https://www.ic.org/why-americans-of-all-ages-are-coming-together-in-intentional-communities/\">body of research</a> is being reported on and picked up by politicians that shows the impacts on health and society of pervasive and increasing social isolation. This has always been part of the reason why people start and move to intentional communities. <a href=\"https://www.hrsa.gov/enews/past-issues/2019/january-17/loneliness-epidemic\">Now we have the data</a> to back up our assertion that there is a real problem here that we are addressing. The thing we do best at the FIC is connect people to communities, so this has become core to our messaging right now, a reminder that the antidote to loneliness is community and that FIC is a place where you can find community.</p>\n<p>So it feels both ironic and somehow fitting that right now I am having the exact experience that we are trying to speak to as an organization. Knowing that I am part of the 40% of the US population that suffers from loneliness helps me feel empathy and compassion for others and myself. It makes what we in the FIC are saying and doing feel a whole lot more real and authentic, because it's something I know I need.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><strong>I need community.</strong> Having had it, I can see the negative impacts of not having it. But I also feel extremely grateful, because unlike most people who are experiencing loneliness, I know I have options and that FIC’s resources are available.</p>\n<br/>\n<p></p>\n<h4><strong>Gratitude has become an important practice for me in dealing with loneliness.&nbsp;</strong></h4>\n<br/>\n<p></p>\n<p>I’m very grateful for the cohousing community I temporarily live in right now. It is a beautiful community, a reflection of the love and care the members here have for the place and each other. There are lots of communities out there that I’m connected to that would welcome me. And I have lots of people who love and care about me and are there for me, even if they’re not physically in my day-to-day life. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t know there were people out there I could reach out to or places I could go.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I want this for everyone. I feel so sad for people going through what I’m going through and having no idea how to fix it. This is why I’ve dedicated the last 20 years of my life to living in intentional community and helping build the movement. <strong>This is why I work for the FIC.</strong>&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I really don’t want to ask you to make an end of year gift right now, but the reality is we do need your support. And I can tell you as someone who is suffering from loneliness right now that I’m excited to take advantage of what the FIC has to offer me to find where I belong, and I want to help more and more people do the same.</p>\n<br/>\n<h3><a href=\"https://www.ic.org/donate\">Click here</a> to make a donation and learn more about the new platform we’re creating to connect more people to community.<br></h3>\n<br/>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/loneliness-epidemic-community-antidote/ </em><hr/></center>",
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{
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      "permlink": "covid-19resources-7dfsttlgvl",
      "title": "COVID-19 Resources",
      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-copy.png</center> <br/><div class=\"wp-block-columns\"><div class=\"wp-block-column\" style=\"flex-basis:66.66%\"><p>Below is a list of COVID-19 response guides compiled by the Foundation for Intentional Community from other online sources and organizations. These resources are geared towards communities the community-minded individual. We'll keep updating it regularly during the coming weeks.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><em>Got good advice? Send your links our way!</em> <a href=\"mailto:[email protected]\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Contact us. (opens in a new tab)\"><strong>Contact us.</strong></a></p>\n<br/>\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"/>\n<br/>\n<ul><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Mutual Aid and Advocacy Resources (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dpMzMzsA83jbVEXS8m7QKOtK4nj6gIUk1U1t6P4wShY/edit\" target=\"_blank\">Mutual Aid and Advocacy Resources</a> (collaborative google doc)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"List of Mutual Aid Networks (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1M9Y46lhZSVIRyE1Qh74Tj5uu91VKs5nhFCUudnFOqOg/edit#gid=776187552\" target=\"_blank\">List of Mutual Aid Networks</a> (by State and online)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) videos (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/communication/videos.html\" target=\"_blank\">Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)</a> (informative videos)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"NASCO Recommendations (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.nasco.coop/news/coronavirus-update-resources-2378#community\" target=\"_blank\">NASCO Recommendations</a> (specifically for communal living spaces)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Resources for Online Meetings, Classes, and Events  (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NyrEU7n6IUl5rgGiflx_dK8CrdoB2bwyyl9XG-H7iw8/preview?fbclid=IwAR2sP8W0Q8cPz2eJfeLhEMET1JpzZ2mQXOhZ7-LlfsZ8-kur3FymOLhSoVo#heading=h.92rf1h1b0f3o\" target=\"_blank\">Resources for Online Meetings, Classes, and Events </a>(created by the Facilitators for Pandemic Response group)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"How to Talk about Coronavirus (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.opportunityagenda.org/connect/amp/amp-newsletter-march-10-2020?bblinkid=208974106&amp;bbemailid=19855655&amp;bbejrid=1398356045\" target=\"_blank\">How to Talk about Coronavirus</a> (messaging grounded in inclusion, empowerment, and justice)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Flatten the curve - COVID19 (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.flattenthecurve.com/?fbclid=IwAR3V2tPu7PYT3wVJ2SVXa8C1f2zcY_ZVz7MORl5b_ilqt1g24FIdceHyQkE#Yes_This_is_Bad\" target=\"_blank\">Flatten the curve - COVID19</a> (what you need to know)</li></ul>\n<br/>\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"/>\n<br/>\n<p>For those living in intentional communities, especially those with close communal living arrangements, we recommend creating a <strong>community action plan</strong>. Use the resources available above to plan how you will disinfect communal surfaces, care for those who may become ill, and protect those most vulnerable. Also consider... how can your community do even more to support the wider region of communities where you live?</p>\n</div>\n<div class=\"wp-block-column\" style=\"flex-basis:33.33%\"><img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-1-1024x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-353506\"/><br/><i>Register to join a free webinar on March 28 at 12-2 Pacific / 3-5 Eastern.  <br><em> How can our communities respond with compassion, strength, and responsibility in the face of the coronavirus pandemic?</em><br><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Sign up for the zoom link. (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_9qvaKyhuSSCsiQXO5OoYgw\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>Sign up for the zoom link.</strong></a></i>\n</div>\n</div>\n<p></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/covid-19-resources/ </em><hr/></center>",
      "json_metadata": "{\"community\":\"steempress\",\"app\":\"steempress\",\"image\":[\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-copy.png\"],\"tags\":[\"community\",\"life\",\"people\",\"nature\",\"homesteading\"],\"canonical_url\":\"https://www.ic.org/covid-19-resources/\"}"
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      "permlink": "covid-19resources-7dfsttlgvl",
      "title": "COVID-19 Resources",
      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-1.png</center> <br/><div class=\"wp-block-columns\"><div class=\"wp-block-column\" style=\"flex-basis:66.66%\"><p>Below is a list of COVID-19 response guides compiled by the Foundation for Intentional Community from other online sources and organizations. These resources are geared towards communities and the community-minded individual. We'll keep updating it regularly during the coming weeks. </p>\n<p><em>Got good advice? Send your links our way!</em> <a href=\"mailto:[email protected]\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Contact us. (opens in a new tab)\"><strong>Contact us.</strong></a></p>\n<br/>\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"/>\n<br/>\n<ul><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Mutual Aid and Advocacy Resources (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dpMzMzsA83jbVEXS8m7QKOtK4nj6gIUk1U1t6P4wShY/edit\" target=\"_blank\">Mutual Aid and Advocacy Resources</a> (collaborative google doc)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"List of Mutual Aid Networks (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1M9Y46lhZSVIRyE1Qh74Tj5uu91VKs5nhFCUudnFOqOg/edit#gid=776187552\" target=\"_blank\">List of Mutual Aid Networks</a> (by State and online)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) videos (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/communication/videos.html\" target=\"_blank\">Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)</a> (informative videos)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"NASCO Recommendations (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.nasco.coop/news/coronavirus-update-resources-2378#community\" target=\"_blank\">NASCO Recommendations</a> (specifically for communal living spaces)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Resources for Online Meetings, Classes, and Events  (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NyrEU7n6IUl5rgGiflx_dK8CrdoB2bwyyl9XG-H7iw8/preview?fbclid=IwAR2sP8W0Q8cPz2eJfeLhEMET1JpzZ2mQXOhZ7-LlfsZ8-kur3FymOLhSoVo#heading=h.92rf1h1b0f3o\" target=\"_blank\">Resources for Online Meetings, Classes, and Events </a>(created by the Facilitators for Pandemic Response group)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"How to Talk about Coronavirus (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.opportunityagenda.org/connect/amp/amp-newsletter-march-10-2020?bblinkid=208974106&amp;bbemailid=19855655&amp;bbejrid=1398356045\" target=\"_blank\">How to Talk about Coronavirus</a> (messaging grounded in inclusion, empowerment, and justice)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Flatten the curve - COVID19 (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.flattenthecurve.com/?fbclid=IwAR3V2tPu7PYT3wVJ2SVXa8C1f2zcY_ZVz7MORl5b_ilqt1g24FIdceHyQkE#Yes_This_is_Bad\" target=\"_blank\">Flatten the curve - COVID19</a> (what you need to know)</li></ul>\n<br/>\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"/>\n<br/>\n<p>For those living in intentional communities, especially those with close communal living arrangements, we recommend creating a <strong>community action plan</strong>. Use the resources available above to plan how you will disinfect communal surfaces, care for those who may become ill, and protect those most vulnerable. Also consider... how can your community do even more to support the wider region of communities where you live?</p>\n</div>\n<div class=\"wp-block-column\" style=\"flex-basis:33.33%\"><img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-1-1024x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-353506\"/><br/><i>Register to join a free webinar on March 28 at 12-2 Pacific / 3-5 Eastern.  <br><em> How can our communities respond with compassion, strength, and responsibility in the face of the coronavirus pandemic?</em><br><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Sign up for the zoom link. (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_9qvaKyhuSSCsiQXO5OoYgw\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>Sign up for the zoom link.</strong></a></i>\n</div>\n</div>\n<p></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/covid-19-resources/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-1.png</center> <br/><div class=\"wp-block-columns\"><div class=\"wp-block-column\" style=\"flex-basis:66.66%\"><p>Below is a list of COVID-19 response guides compiled by the Foundation for Intentional Community from other online sources and organizations. These resources are geared towards communities the community-minded individual. We'll keep updating it regularly during the coming weeks. </p>\n<p><em>Got good advice? Send your links our way!</em> <a href=\"mailto:[email protected]\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Contact us. (opens in a new tab)\"><strong>Contact us.</strong></a></p>\n<br/>\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"/>\n<br/>\n<ul><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Mutual Aid and Advocacy Resources (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dpMzMzsA83jbVEXS8m7QKOtK4nj6gIUk1U1t6P4wShY/edit\" target=\"_blank\">Mutual Aid and Advocacy Resources</a> (collaborative google doc)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"List of Mutual Aid Networks (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1M9Y46lhZSVIRyE1Qh74Tj5uu91VKs5nhFCUudnFOqOg/edit#gid=776187552\" target=\"_blank\">List of Mutual Aid Networks</a> (by State and online)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) videos (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/communication/videos.html\" target=\"_blank\">Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)</a> (informative videos)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"NASCO Recommendations (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.nasco.coop/news/coronavirus-update-resources-2378#community\" target=\"_blank\">NASCO Recommendations</a> (specifically for communal living spaces)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Resources for Online Meetings, Classes, and Events  (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NyrEU7n6IUl5rgGiflx_dK8CrdoB2bwyyl9XG-H7iw8/preview?fbclid=IwAR2sP8W0Q8cPz2eJfeLhEMET1JpzZ2mQXOhZ7-LlfsZ8-kur3FymOLhSoVo#heading=h.92rf1h1b0f3o\" target=\"_blank\">Resources for Online Meetings, Classes, and Events </a>(created by the Facilitators for Pandemic Response group)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"How to Talk about Coronavirus (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.opportunityagenda.org/connect/amp/amp-newsletter-march-10-2020?bblinkid=208974106&amp;bbemailid=19855655&amp;bbejrid=1398356045\" target=\"_blank\">How to Talk about Coronavirus</a> (messaging grounded in inclusion, empowerment, and justice)</li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Flatten the curve - COVID19 (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://www.flattenthecurve.com/?fbclid=IwAR3V2tPu7PYT3wVJ2SVXa8C1f2zcY_ZVz7MORl5b_ilqt1g24FIdceHyQkE#Yes_This_is_Bad\" target=\"_blank\">Flatten the curve - COVID19</a> (what you need to know)</li></ul>\n<br/>\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\"/>\n<br/>\n<p>For those living in intentional communities, especially those with close communal living arrangements, we recommend creating a <strong>community action plan</strong>. Use the resources available above to plan how you will disinfect communal surfaces, care for those who may become ill, and protect those most vulnerable. Also consider... how can your community do even more to support the wider region of communities where you live?</p>\n</div>\n<div class=\"wp-block-column\" style=\"flex-basis:33.33%\"><img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Graphic-Design-1-1024x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-353506\"/><br/><i>Register to join a free webinar on March 28 at 12-2 Pacific / 3-5 Eastern.  <br><em> How can our communities respond with compassion, strength, and responsibility in the face of the coronavirus pandemic?</em><br><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Sign up for the zoom link. (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_9qvaKyhuSSCsiQXO5OoYgw\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>Sign up for the zoom link.</strong></a></i>\n</div>\n</div>\n<p></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/covid-19-resources/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "title": "On Community: A Graduated Series of Consequences and the “Community Eye”",
      "body": "<center>https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326082\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><em>Knock knock! </em>There’s<em>&nbsp;</em>a sharp rap at the door.</p>\n<p>I open it to Larry, another community member.</p>\n<p>“It’s me, ‘Sharkey,’” he says in a fake tough-guy accent. “I’m heah ta let ya know ya owe $84 on ya tractor bill. Ya gonna pay up o’ wat?”</p>\n<p>“Uh, hello…‘Sharkey,’” I say, inviting Larry in. “I thought I paid it! I’ll write a check right now!”</p>\n<p>Egads, how embarrassing. I’d arranged for some work on my driveway from a neighbor using the community tractor months before. And completely forgot to pay for it.</p>\n<p>“We emailed ya,” Larry adds, staying in character as he came in and sat down. “But ya nevah paid it.</p>\n<p>“I’m on da Accountability Team, see,” he continues, “and dis is da foist consequence—we visit ya an’ ask ya ta pay up.”</p>\n<p>This was actually pretty funny. <em>I</em>&nbsp;was the one who’d suggested that our community adopt a “graduated series of consequences” process for accountability in the first place&nbsp;(I had&nbsp;learned about this process&nbsp;from a spiritually oriented community in Vancouver).&nbsp;We’d passed the proposal to do this just a month before. We created our own series of consequences to encourage some of our members to better comply with our agreements and obligations. Our first consequence was for one community member to talk with the person who broke the agreement. And…the very first time we applied the first consequence, it was to <em>me.</em>&nbsp;Hilarious. (Playing “Sharkey” with a gangster accent was Larry’s own creative touch.) I paid my overdue tractor bill and Sharkey and I had a laugh about it.</p>\n<p><strong>Why Does a Community Even </strong><strong><em><strong><em>Need</em></strong></em></strong><strong>&nbsp;Consequences?</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>As you know if you live in community, it’s especially painful when someone consistently doesn’t keep the group’s agreements, fulfill its obligations, or violates its basic behavioral norms even once, or refuses to make the changes the community repeatedly requests about their behavior or communication style. However, people new to community or who’ve never lived in one sometimes believe that bad habits, negative attitudes, or hurtful behaviors will somehow be left at the gate―since, many people new to community believe, if it’s <em>really</em>&nbsp;community everyone gets along well, keeps all community agreements, and fulfills all obligations. And these naïve, misinformed folks are usually the first to feel outraged when anyone suggests ways to help everyone keep the group’s agreements. Since in <em>community</em>&nbsp;everyone just <em>naturally</em>&nbsp;does the right thing. <em>Oops!</em></p>\n<p>The most common agreements and behavior norms people might violate concern parking, quiet hours, cleanliness of shared areas, or behavior of children or pets; not fulfilling required labor hours or paying community dues and fees; or indulging in abusive language or actions, various kinds of substance abuse, or harming the community in some way: legally, financially, in terms of its reputation, and so on.</p>\n<p>When this happens and there is no remedy, the person can be perceived as a kind of “community aristocrat,” since clearly the agreements everyone else keeps don’t apply to <em>them</em>. If there is no recourse to deal with the rule-breakers, people who <em>do</em>&nbsp;keep the agreements can feel resentful and discouraged. If this goes on too long they can get so discouraged and demoralized—“Why did I even <em>join</em>&nbsp;a community?”—they often stop participating in the community and sometimes eventually leave it altogether.<em></em></p>\n<p>A graduated series of consequences&nbsp;is intended to help people who <em>consistently</em>&nbsp;break the group’s agreements (or do something awful), rather than those who break an agreement once in a while. The approach is designed to encourage accountability—<em>not</em>&nbsp;by punitive measures or fines, <em>not</em>&nbsp;by shaming or blaming—but through a series of fair, compassionate, incremental consequences, from mild to increasingly serious, which treat the person respectfully while also asking them to make necessary changes and resolve the problem. It <em>is</em>&nbsp;possible to say, “We <em>want</em>&nbsp;you to follow our agreements,” or, “We don’t want you to do <em>that,”</em>&nbsp;in ways that are direct and emotionally authentic while honoring the person’s dignity. And it’s possible to do this even if<em>&nbsp;</em>the last-resort consequence when nothing changes after a series of consequences is being asked to leave the community.</p>\n<p>When all else fails, this kind of respectful yet increasingly potent peer pressure can give the person the needed inducement to change.</p>\n<p><strong>Requests for Compliance, Offers of Help</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>In a graduated series of consequences one or more community representatives asks the person who has consistently broken agreements to comply with community agreements again. The representatives inquire whether the person needs help of some kind. Did they have a sudden unexpected expense or illness, painful difficulty in their family or at work, an illness or death of someone close to them? And if so, how could the community help? If the broken agreement involves community labor or dues and fees and the person can’t resolve the issue immediately, a date could be set in the near future by which the person should do the work or pay the money. People from the community’s Care Team or Process Committee could do this, or the group could create an Accountability Team just for this purpose.</p>\n<p>If the person complies with the agreement or stops the undesirable behavior, great! The method worked and no more action is taken. The person is <em>not</em>&nbsp;shamed or blamed and no one throws it up to them later by saying something like, “Hey, we had to get the first consequence after you!” That is <em>not</em>&nbsp;how the method is designed. Rather it’s designed so that when a consequence resolves the problem the community forgives, forgets, and moves on.</p>\n<img src=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326083\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><strong>What a Graduated Series of Consequences Can Look Like</strong></p>\n<p>Here is an example of the kinds of incremental consequences a community can create.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>First Consequence</em></strong></em></strong><em>:</em>&nbsp;One community member asks the person not keeping the agreement to comply with it again. This is what Larry, as “Sharkey,” did with me.</p>\n<p>If the person does comply (or stops doing an undesirable behavior), great! The first consequence was effective. No further action is taken.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Second Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person continues to break the agreement (or do an undesirable behavior), a small group, perhaps three or four people, asks them to comply with it again or stop the behavior (like having three or four Sharkeys at the door).</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Third Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If this still doesn’t resolve the problem, it <em>may</em>&nbsp;mean the person has a chronic difficulty in keeping agreements in general. Or it may simply mean they’ve had some unexpected challenging circumstances and it may not be a characteristic pattern at all.</p>\n<p>In any case, the community still doesn’t give up on them. The community creates an informal written contract with the member (“informal”—no lawyers needed) outlining how in several steps over the next few months the person will resolve the issue, with periodic meetings with one or more other community members to help the person stay on track and abide with the contracted steps to resolve the issue.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fourth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the issue is still not resolved, it <em>could</em>&nbsp;be that nothing will remedy the situation and the person has a serious problem. <em>Please</em>&nbsp;don’t assume, as many community newcomers do, that with enough community support—heartshares, talking stick circles, mediations, or hugs—the person will heal their deep-seated patterns and change. I think this is unrealistic. The person needs effective outside professional help. And Yes, a community can suggest or request this, but…the person may not see why it’s needed, feel dreadfully insulted, and not seek the help.</p>\n<p>In the hope that the problem actually <em>can</em>&nbsp;be resolved though, in the fourth consequence the group holds a community meeting about the issue. Each participant shares how the person’s not keeping the agreement has affected them, and they might express any emotions&nbsp;this triggered in them. (While it would be ideal for people to use the neutral language of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and simply describe their feelings and which unmet values or needs gave rise to them, not every community member is skilled at this. Some people may be so annoyed they end up speaking forcefully or even harshly to the agreement-breaker.) The person also tells the group what’s been going on with them, if there’ve been circumstances that diminished their ability to keep agreements.</p>\n<p>At this meeting the group puts the person on “membership probation.” This means if the person doesn’t keep the agreement or stop the undesirable behavior by a certain date (which, given how much time has passed since the first consequence, may be just a few days), the fifth consequence occurs.</p>\n<p>If the person doesn’t attend the meeting, it is still held<s>,</s>&nbsp;for the benefit of everyone else, and the person is given notes from or an audio or video recording of the meeting.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fifth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person still hasn’t resolved the problem by the given date, then, in the final, “last resort” consequence, their community membership is revoked and they’re asked to leave the group.&nbsp;[Asking someone to leave the community is not possible or legal in US or Canadian communities in which people own and have deeds to their housing units, apartments, lots, or houses—such as in most cohousing communities—since property rights trump internal community agreements. An exception would be communities owned as housing co-ops, in which it is legal to choose one’s members and, if needed, to ask them to leave.]</p>\n<p>It is certainly drastic to put a member on probation status, which means if they don’t resolve the problem they will be asked to leave. When the violation is severe enough or the conflict too wrenching, by a fourth or fifth consequence with no resolution, the group needs to get realistic. Sometimes increasingly public consequences are the only way to protect your community from the devastatingly low morale that can occur in this situation.</p>\n<p>Again, this example shows how a community <em>could</em>&nbsp;create a series of consequences. The group could create fewer or more steps or different consequences.</p>\n<p><strong>The Secret Reason this Process Works</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>When I ask people in my workshops why they think this method is effective, most people say something like, “Because each consequence is more visible and impactful than the previous one, and people want to avoid the next one!”</p>\n<p>True in principle, but a more subtle reason is at work here. It’s not because a rule-breaker might get a knock at their door as&nbsp;I did. It’s simply because the group’s agreed-on series of consequences <em>exists. </em>Just knowing the community <em>has</em>&nbsp;this process <em>itself </em>deters people from breaking agreements. People don’t want to get a knock at the door by one fellow community member, much less three or four. And they sure don’t want to have a whole community meeting about it!</p>\n<p><strong>Do We Even Need to Apply this Process?</strong></p>\n<p>Strangely enough, after a community adopts a series of consequences they may never have to use them, since from then on people tend keep their agreements.</p>\n<p>Or maybe they only have to apply the first, relatively mild consequence, like what I got; or maybe with only one or two members, if needed. The knowledge that we now have a method of ever-increasing community visibility and peer pressure&nbsp;has a remarkable deterrent effect. After the first or at most two consequences are applied to one or more community members, amazingly, from then on almost everyone honors the group’s agreements.</p>\n<p><strong>The Community Eye—“As if all the world were watching</strong><strong>…</strong><strong>”</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>I think of a series of consequences as the practical application of what I call the “Community Eye”—each consequence gives increasing visibility to the person’s transgressions and increasing numbers of fellow community members know about it. Broken agreements or violations of community norms that are kept hidden and secret by a well-meaning community often persist in the dark, sometimes for years. But shine the light of everyone knowing about and people suddenly behave better—significantly<em>&nbsp;</em>more likely to keep agreements, fulfill obligations, and become more collaborative community citizens. Most of us have a deep desire to be respected, trusted, and liked by our peers. When we&nbsp;know people are watching, as scientific research confirms,&nbsp;we&nbsp;behave better.&nbsp;[For articles citing scientific research supporting this, see “How being watched changes you,” by Jason G. Goldman, February 10, 2015, <em>BBC Future,</em>&nbsp;or “How the Illusion of Being Observed Can Make You a Better Person,” Sander van der Linden, May 3, 2011, <em>Scientific American.</em>]</p>\n<p>Even Thomas Jefferson observed this, writing, “Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.”&nbsp;Over the last 15 years I’ve suggested the graduated series of consequences method (and shared a template for creating one) with communities all over the world. For as Thomas Jefferson, Sharkey, and I know first-hand, the “Community Eye” is a powerful motivator.</p>\n<p><em>Diana Leafe Christian, author of </em>Creating a Life Together<em>&nbsp;and </em>Finding Community,<em>&nbsp;speaks at conferences, offers consultations, and leads workshops and webinars on creating successful new communities, and on Sociocracy, an effective self-governance and decision-making method. She has written on community accountability issues for </em>Communities<em>&nbsp;magazine and in </em>Creating a Life Together<em>. She lives at Earthaven Ecovillage in North Carolina.</em></p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://adam.staging.ic.org/on-community-a-graduated-series-of-consequences-and-the-community-eye/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "permlink": "oncommunityagraduatedseriesofconsequencesandthecommunityeye-lcw7u4vt39",
      "title": "On Community: A Graduated Series of Consequences and the “Community Eye”",
      "body": "<center>http://localhost/clients/fic/development/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326082\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><em>Knock knock! </em>There’s<em>&nbsp;</em>a sharp rap at the door.</p>\n<p>I open it to Larry, another community member.</p>\n<p>“It’s me, ‘Sharkey,’” he says in a fake tough-guy accent. “I’m heah ta let ya know ya owe $84 on ya tractor bill. Ya gonna pay up o’ wat?”</p>\n<p>“Uh, hello…‘Sharkey,’” I say, inviting Larry in. “I thought I paid it! I’ll write a check right now!”</p>\n<p>Egads, how embarrassing. I’d arranged for some work on my driveway from a neighbor using the community tractor months before. And completely forgot to pay for it.</p>\n<p>“We emailed ya,” Larry adds, staying in character as he came in and sat down. “But ya nevah paid it.</p>\n<p>“I’m on da Accountability Team, see,” he continues, “and dis is da foist consequence—we visit ya an’ ask ya ta pay up.”</p>\n<p>This was actually pretty funny. <em>I</em>&nbsp;was the one who’d suggested that our community adopt a “graduated series of consequences” process for accountability in the first place&nbsp;(I had&nbsp;learned about this process&nbsp;from a spiritually oriented community in Vancouver).&nbsp;We’d passed the proposal to do this just a month before. We created our own series of consequences to encourage some of our members to better comply with our agreements and obligations. Our first consequence was for one community member to talk with the person who broke the agreement. And…the very first time we applied the first consequence, it was to <em>me.</em>&nbsp;Hilarious. (Playing “Sharkey” with a gangster accent was Larry’s own creative touch.) I paid my overdue tractor bill and Sharkey and I had a laugh about it.</p>\n<p><strong>Why Does a Community Even </strong><strong><em><strong><em>Need</em></strong></em></strong><strong>&nbsp;Consequences?</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>As you know if you live in community, it’s especially painful when someone consistently doesn’t keep the group’s agreements, fulfill its obligations, or violates its basic behavioral norms even once, or refuses to make the changes the community repeatedly requests about their behavior or communication style. However, people new to community or who’ve never lived in one sometimes believe that bad habits, negative attitudes, or hurtful behaviors will somehow be left at the gate―since, many people new to community believe, if it’s <em>really</em>&nbsp;community everyone gets along well, keeps all community agreements, and fulfills all obligations. And these naïve, misinformed folks are usually the first to feel outraged when anyone suggests ways to help everyone keep the group’s agreements. Since in <em>community</em>&nbsp;everyone just <em>naturally</em>&nbsp;does the right thing. <em>Oops!</em></p>\n<p>The most common agreements and behavior norms people might violate concern parking, quiet hours, cleanliness of shared areas, or behavior of children or pets; not fulfilling required labor hours or paying community dues and fees; or indulging in abusive language or actions, various kinds of substance abuse, or harming the community in some way: legally, financially, in terms of its reputation, and so on.</p>\n<p>When this happens and there is no remedy, the person can be perceived as a kind of “community aristocrat,” since clearly the agreements everyone else keeps don’t apply to <em>them</em>. If there is no recourse to deal with the rule-breakers, people who <em>do</em>&nbsp;keep the agreements can feel resentful and discouraged. If this goes on too long they can get so discouraged and demoralized—“Why did I even <em>join</em>&nbsp;a community?”—they often stop participating in the community and sometimes eventually leave it altogether.<em></em></p>\n<p>A graduated series of consequences&nbsp;is intended to help people who <em>consistently</em>&nbsp;break the group’s agreements (or do something awful), rather than those who break an agreement once in a while. The approach is designed to encourage accountability—<em>not</em>&nbsp;by punitive measures or fines, <em>not</em>&nbsp;by shaming or blaming—but through a series of fair, compassionate, incremental consequences, from mild to increasingly serious, which treat the person respectfully while also asking them to make necessary changes and resolve the problem. It <em>is</em>&nbsp;possible to say, “We <em>want</em>&nbsp;you to follow our agreements,” or, “We don’t want you to do <em>that,”</em>&nbsp;in ways that are direct and emotionally authentic while honoring the person’s dignity. And it’s possible to do this even if<em>&nbsp;</em>the last-resort consequence when nothing changes after a series of consequences is being asked to leave the community.</p>\n<p>When all else fails, this kind of respectful yet increasingly potent peer pressure can give the person the needed inducement to change.</p>\n<p><strong>Requests for Compliance, Offers of Help</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>In a graduated series of consequences one or more community representatives asks the person who has consistently broken agreements to comply with community agreements again. The representatives inquire whether the person needs help of some kind. Did they have a sudden unexpected expense or illness, painful difficulty in their family or at work, an illness or death of someone close to them? And if so, how could the community help? If the broken agreement involves community labor or dues and fees and the person can’t resolve the issue immediately, a date could be set in the near future by which the person should do the work or pay the money. People from the community’s Care Team or Process Committee could do this, or the group could create an Accountability Team just for this purpose.</p>\n<p>If the person complies with the agreement or stops the undesirable behavior, great! The method worked and no more action is taken. The person is <em>not</em>&nbsp;shamed or blamed and no one throws it up to them later by saying something like, “Hey, we had to get the first consequence after you!” That is <em>not</em>&nbsp;how the method is designed. Rather it’s designed so that when a consequence resolves the problem the community forgives, forgets, and moves on.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326083\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><strong>What a Graduated Series of Consequences Can Look Like</strong></p>\n<p>Here is an example of the kinds of incremental consequences a community can create.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>First Consequence</em></strong></em></strong><em>:</em>&nbsp;One community member asks the person not keeping the agreement to comply with it again. This is what Larry, as “Sharkey,” did with me.</p>\n<p>If the person does comply (or stops doing an undesirable behavior), great! The first consequence was effective. No further action is taken.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Second Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person continues to break the agreement (or do an undesirable behavior), a small group, perhaps three or four people, asks them to comply with it again or stop the behavior (like having three or four Sharkeys at the door).</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Third Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If this still doesn’t resolve the problem, it <em>may</em>&nbsp;mean the person has a chronic difficulty in keeping agreements in general. Or it may simply mean they’ve had some unexpected challenging circumstances and it may not be a characteristic pattern at all.</p>\n<p>In any case, the community still doesn’t give up on them. The community creates an informal written contract with the member (“informal”—no lawyers needed) outlining how in several steps over the next few months the person will resolve the issue, with periodic meetings with one or more other community members to help the person stay on track and abide with the contracted steps to resolve the issue.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fourth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the issue is still not resolved, it <em>could</em>&nbsp;be that nothing will remedy the situation and the person has a serious problem. <em>Please</em>&nbsp;don’t assume, as many community newcomers do, that with enough community support—heartshares, talking stick circles, mediations, or hugs—the person will heal their deep-seated patterns and change. I think this is unrealistic. The person needs effective outside professional help. And Yes, a community can suggest or request this, but…the person may not see why it’s needed, feel dreadfully insulted, and not seek the help.</p>\n<p>In the hope that the problem actually <em>can</em>&nbsp;be resolved though, in the fourth consequence the group holds a community meeting about the issue. Each participant shares how the person’s not keeping the agreement has affected them, and they might express any emotions&nbsp;this triggered in them. (While it would be ideal for people to use the neutral language of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and simply describe their feelings and which unmet values or needs gave rise to them, not every community member is skilled at this. Some people may be so annoyed they end up speaking forcefully or even harshly to the agreement-breaker.) The person also tells the group what’s been going on with them, if there’ve been circumstances that diminished their ability to keep agreements.</p>\n<p>At this meeting the group puts the person on “membership probation.” This means if the person doesn’t keep the agreement or stop the undesirable behavior by a certain date (which, given how much time has passed since the first consequence, may be just a few days), the fifth consequence occurs.</p>\n<p>If the person doesn’t attend the meeting, it is still held<s>,</s>&nbsp;for the benefit of everyone else, and the person is given notes from or an audio or video recording of the meeting.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fifth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person still hasn’t resolved the problem by the given date, then, in the final, “last resort” consequence, their community membership is revoked and they’re asked to leave the group.&nbsp;[Asking someone to leave the community is not possible or legal in US or Canadian communities in which people own and have deeds to their housing units, apartments, lots, or houses—such as in most cohousing communities—since property rights trump internal community agreements. An exception would be communities owned as housing co-ops, in which it is legal to choose one’s members and, if needed, to ask them to leave.]</p>\n<p>It is certainly drastic to put a member on probation status, which means if they don’t resolve the problem they will be asked to leave. When the violation is severe enough or the conflict too wrenching, by a fourth or fifth consequence with no resolution, the group needs to get realistic. Sometimes increasingly public consequences are the only way to protect your community from the devastatingly low morale that can occur in this situation.</p>\n<p>Again, this example shows how a community <em>could</em>&nbsp;create a series of consequences. The group could create fewer or more steps or different consequences.</p>\n<p><strong>The Secret Reason this Process Works</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>When I ask people in my workshops why they think this method is effective, most people say something like, “Because each consequence is more visible and impactful than the previous one, and people want to avoid the next one!”</p>\n<p>True in principle, but a more subtle reason is at work here. It’s not because a rule-breaker might get a knock at their door as&nbsp;I did. It’s simply because the group’s agreed-on series of consequences <em>exists. </em>Just knowing the community <em>has</em>&nbsp;this process <em>itself </em>deters people from breaking agreements. People don’t want to get a knock at the door by one fellow community member, much less three or four. And they sure don’t want to have a whole community meeting about it!</p>\n<p><strong>Do We Even Need to Apply this Process?</strong></p>\n<p>Strangely enough, after a community adopts a series of consequences they may never have to use them, since from then on people tend keep their agreements.</p>\n<p>Or maybe they only have to apply the first, relatively mild consequence, like what I got; or maybe with only one or two members, if needed. The knowledge that we now have a method of ever-increasing community visibility and peer pressure&nbsp;has a remarkable deterrent effect. After the first or at most two consequences are applied to one or more community members, amazingly, from then on almost everyone honors the group’s agreements.</p>\n<p><strong>The Community Eye—“As if all the world were watching</strong><strong>…</strong><strong>”</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>I think of a series of consequences as the practical application of what I call the “Community Eye”—each consequence gives increasing visibility to the person’s transgressions and increasing numbers of fellow community members know about it. Broken agreements or violations of community norms that are kept hidden and secret by a well-meaning community often persist in the dark, sometimes for years. But shine the light of everyone knowing about and people suddenly behave better—significantly<em>&nbsp;</em>more likely to keep agreements, fulfill obligations, and become more collaborative community citizens. Most of us have a deep desire to be respected, trusted, and liked by our peers. When we&nbsp;know people are watching, as scientific research confirms,&nbsp;we&nbsp;behave better.&nbsp;[For articles citing scientific research supporting this, see “How being watched changes you,” by Jason G. Goldman, February 10, 2015, <em>BBC Future,</em>&nbsp;or “How the Illusion of Being Observed Can Make You a Better Person,” Sander van der Linden, May 3, 2011, <em>Scientific American.</em>]</p>\n<p>Even Thomas Jefferson observed this, writing, “Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.”&nbsp;Over the last 15 years I’ve suggested the graduated series of consequences method (and shared a template for creating one) with communities all over the world. For as Thomas Jefferson, Sharkey, and I know first-hand, the “Community Eye” is a powerful motivator.</p>\n<p><em>Diana Leafe Christian, author of </em>Creating a Life Together<em>&nbsp;and </em>Finding Community,<em>&nbsp;speaks at conferences, offers consultations, and leads workshops and webinars on creating successful new communities, and on Sociocracy, an effective self-governance and decision-making method. She has written on community accountability issues for </em>Communities<em>&nbsp;magazine and in </em>Creating a Life Together<em>. She lives at Earthaven Ecovillage in North Carolina.</em></p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/on-community-a-graduated-series-of-consequences-and-the-community-eye/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "title": "On Community: A Graduated Series of Consequences and the “Community Eye”",
      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326082\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><em>Knock knock! </em>There’s<em>&nbsp;</em>a sharp rap at the door.</p>\n<p>I open it to Larry, another community member.</p>\n<p>“It’s me, ‘Sharkey,’” he says in a fake tough-guy accent. “I’m heah ta let ya know ya owe $84 on ya tractor bill. Ya gonna pay up o’ wat?”</p>\n<p>“Uh, hello…‘Sharkey,’” I say, inviting Larry in. “I thought I paid it! I’ll write a check right now!”</p>\n<p>Egads, how embarrassing. I’d arranged for some work on my driveway from a neighbor using the community tractor months before. And completely forgot to pay for it.</p>\n<p>“We emailed ya,” Larry adds, staying in character as he came in and sat down. “But ya nevah paid it.</p>\n<p>“I’m on da Accountability Team, see,” he continues, “and dis is da foist consequence—we visit ya an’ ask ya ta pay up.”</p>\n<p>This was actually pretty funny. <em>I</em>&nbsp;was the one who’d suggested that our community adopt a “graduated series of consequences” process for accountability in the first place&nbsp;(I had&nbsp;learned about this process&nbsp;from a spiritually oriented community in Vancouver).&nbsp;We’d passed the proposal to do this just a month before. We created our own series of consequences to encourage some of our members to better comply with our agreements and obligations. Our first consequence was for one community member to talk with the person who broke the agreement. And…the very first time we applied the first consequence, it was to <em>me.</em>&nbsp;Hilarious. (Playing “Sharkey” with a gangster accent was Larry’s own creative touch.) I paid my overdue tractor bill and Sharkey and I had a laugh about it.</p>\n<p><strong>Why Does a Community Even </strong><strong><em><strong><em>Need</em></strong></em></strong><strong>&nbsp;Consequences?</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>As you know if you live in community, it’s especially painful when someone consistently doesn’t keep the group’s agreements, fulfill its obligations, or violates its basic behavioral norms even once, or refuses to make the changes the community repeatedly requests about their behavior or communication style. However, people new to community or who’ve never lived in one sometimes believe that bad habits, negative attitudes, or hurtful behaviors will somehow be left at the gate―since, many people new to community believe, if it’s <em>really</em>&nbsp;community everyone gets along well, keeps all community agreements, and fulfills all obligations. And these naïve, misinformed folks are usually the first to feel outraged when anyone suggests ways to help everyone keep the group’s agreements. Since in <em>community</em>&nbsp;everyone just <em>naturally</em>&nbsp;does the right thing. <em>Oops!</em></p>\n<p>The most common agreements and behavior norms people might violate concern parking, quiet hours, cleanliness of shared areas, or behavior of children or pets; not fulfilling required labor hours or paying community dues and fees; or indulging in abusive language or actions, various kinds of substance abuse, or harming the community in some way: legally, financially, in terms of its reputation, and so on.</p>\n<p>When this happens and there is no remedy, the person can be perceived as a kind of “community aristocrat,” since clearly the agreements everyone else keeps don’t apply to <em>them</em>. If there is no recourse to deal with the rule-breakers, people who <em>do</em>&nbsp;keep the agreements can feel resentful and discouraged. If this goes on too long they can get so discouraged and demoralized—“Why did I even <em>join</em>&nbsp;a community?”—they often stop participating in the community and sometimes eventually leave it altogether.<em></em></p>\n<p>A graduated series of consequences&nbsp;is intended to help people who <em>consistently</em>&nbsp;break the group’s agreements (or do something awful), rather than those who break an agreement once in a while. The approach is designed to encourage accountability—<em>not</em>&nbsp;by punitive measures or fines, <em>not</em>&nbsp;by shaming or blaming—but through a series of fair, compassionate, incremental consequences, from mild to increasingly serious, which treat the person respectfully while also asking them to make necessary changes and resolve the problem. It <em>is</em>&nbsp;possible to say, “We <em>want</em>&nbsp;you to follow our agreements,” or, “We don’t want you to do <em>that,”</em>&nbsp;in ways that are direct and emotionally authentic while honoring the person’s dignity. And it’s possible to do this even if<em>&nbsp;</em>the last-resort consequence when nothing changes after a series of consequences is being asked to leave the community.</p>\n<p>When all else fails, this kind of respectful yet increasingly potent peer pressure can give the person the needed inducement to change.</p>\n<p><strong>Requests for Compliance, Offers of Help</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>In a graduated series of consequences one or more community representatives asks the person who has consistently broken agreements to comply with community agreements again. The representatives inquire whether the person needs help of some kind. Did they have a sudden unexpected expense or illness, painful difficulty in their family or at work, an illness or death of someone close to them? And if so, how could the community help? If the broken agreement involves community labor or dues and fees and the person can’t resolve the issue immediately, a date could be set in the near future by which the person should do the work or pay the money. People from the community’s Care Team or Process Committee could do this, or the group could create an Accountability Team just for this purpose.</p>\n<p>If the person complies with the agreement or stops the undesirable behavior, great! The method worked and no more action is taken. The person is <em>not</em>&nbsp;shamed or blamed and no one throws it up to them later by saying something like, “Hey, we had to get the first consequence after you!” That is <em>not</em>&nbsp;how the method is designed. Rather it’s designed so that when a consequence resolves the problem the community forgives, forgets, and moves on.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326083\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><strong>What a Graduated Series of Consequences Can Look Like</strong></p>\n<p>Here is an example of the kinds of incremental consequences a community can create.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>First Consequence</em></strong></em></strong><em>:</em>&nbsp;One community member asks the person not keeping the agreement to comply with it again. This is what Larry, as “Sharkey,” did with me.</p>\n<p>If the person does comply (or stops doing an undesirable behavior), great! The first consequence was effective. No further action is taken.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Second Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person continues to break the agreement (or do an undesirable behavior), a small group, perhaps three or four people, asks them to comply with it again or stop the behavior (like having three or four Sharkeys at the door).</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Third Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If this still doesn’t resolve the problem, it <em>may</em>&nbsp;mean the person has a chronic difficulty in keeping agreements in general. Or it may simply mean they’ve had some unexpected challenging circumstances and it may not be a characteristic pattern at all.</p>\n<p>In any case, the community still doesn’t give up on them. The community creates an informal written contract with the member (“informal”—no lawyers needed) outlining how in several steps over the next few months the person will resolve the issue, with periodic meetings with one or more other community members to help the person stay on track and abide with the contracted steps to resolve the issue.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fourth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the issue is still not resolved, it <em>could</em>&nbsp;be that nothing will remedy the situation and the person has a serious problem. <em>Please</em>&nbsp;don’t assume, as many community newcomers do, that with enough community support—heartshares, talking stick circles, mediations, or hugs—the person will heal their deep-seated patterns and change. I think this is unrealistic. The person needs effective outside professional help. And Yes, a community can suggest or request this, but…the person may not see why it’s needed, feel dreadfully insulted, and not seek the help.</p>\n<p>In the hope that the problem actually <em>can</em>&nbsp;be resolved though, in the fourth consequence the group holds a community meeting about the issue. Each participant shares how the person’s not keeping the agreement has affected them, and they might express any emotions&nbsp;this triggered in them. (While it would be ideal for people to use the neutral language of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and simply describe their feelings and which unmet values or needs gave rise to them, not every community member is skilled at this. Some people may be so annoyed they end up speaking forcefully or even harshly to the agreement-breaker.) The person also tells the group what’s been going on with them, if there’ve been circumstances that diminished their ability to keep agreements.</p>\n<p>At this meeting the group puts the person on “membership probation.” This means if the person doesn’t keep the agreement or stop the undesirable behavior by a certain date (which, given how much time has passed since the first consequence, may be just a few days), the fifth consequence occurs.</p>\n<p>If the person doesn’t attend the meeting, it is still held<s>,</s>&nbsp;for the benefit of everyone else, and the person is given notes from or an audio or video recording of the meeting.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fifth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person still hasn’t resolved the problem by the given date, then, in the final, “last resort” consequence, their community membership is revoked and they’re asked to leave the group.&nbsp;[Asking someone to leave the community is not possible or legal in US or Canadian communities in which people own and have deeds to their housing units, apartments, lots, or houses—such as in most cohousing communities—since property rights trump internal community agreements. An exception would be communities owned as housing co-ops, in which it is legal to choose one’s members and, if needed, to ask them to leave.]</p>\n<p>It is certainly drastic to put a member on probation status, which means if they don’t resolve the problem they will be asked to leave. When the violation is severe enough or the conflict too wrenching, by a fourth or fifth consequence with no resolution, the group needs to get realistic. Sometimes increasingly public consequences are the only way to protect your community from the devastatingly low morale that can occur in this situation.</p>\n<p>Again, this example shows how a community <em>could</em>&nbsp;create a series of consequences. The group could create fewer or more steps or different consequences.</p>\n<p><strong>The Secret Reason this Process Works</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>When I ask people in my workshops why they think this method is effective, most people say something like, “Because each consequence is more visible and impactful than the previous one, and people want to avoid the next one!”</p>\n<p>True in principle, but a more subtle reason is at work here. It’s not because a rule-breaker might get a knock at their door as&nbsp;I did. It’s simply because the group’s agreed-on series of consequences <em>exists. </em>Just knowing the community <em>has</em>&nbsp;this process <em>itself </em>deters people from breaking agreements. People don’t want to get a knock at the door by one fellow community member, much less three or four. And they sure don’t want to have a whole community meeting about it!</p>\n<p><strong>Do We Even Need to Apply this Process?</strong></p>\n<p>Strangely enough, after a community adopts a series of consequences they may never have to use them, since from then on people tend keep their agreements.</p>\n<p>Or maybe they only have to apply the first, relatively mild consequence, like what I got; or maybe with only one or two members, if needed. The knowledge that we now have a method of ever-increasing community visibility and peer pressure&nbsp;has a remarkable deterrent effect. After the first or at most two consequences are applied to one or more community members, amazingly, from then on almost everyone honors the group’s agreements.</p>\n<p><strong>The Community Eye—“As if all the world were watching</strong><strong>…</strong><strong>”</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>I think of a series of consequences as the practical application of what I call the “Community Eye”—each consequence gives increasing visibility to the person’s transgressions and increasing numbers of fellow community members know about it. Broken agreements or violations of community norms that are kept hidden and secret by a well-meaning community often persist in the dark, sometimes for years. But shine the light of everyone knowing about and people suddenly behave better—significantly<em>&nbsp;</em>more likely to keep agreements, fulfill obligations, and become more collaborative community citizens. Most of us have a deep desire to be respected, trusted, and liked by our peers. When we&nbsp;know people are watching, as scientific research confirms,&nbsp;we&nbsp;behave better.&nbsp;[For articles citing scientific research supporting this, see “How being watched changes you,” by Jason G. Goldman, February 10, 2015, <em>BBC Future,</em>&nbsp;or “How the Illusion of Being Observed Can Make You a Better Person,” Sander van der Linden, May 3, 2011, <em>Scientific American.</em>]</p>\n<p>Even Thomas Jefferson observed this, writing, “Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.”&nbsp;Over the last 15 years I’ve suggested the graduated series of consequences method (and shared a template for creating one) with communities all over the world. For as Thomas Jefferson, Sharkey, and I know first-hand, the “Community Eye” is a powerful motivator.</p>\n<p><em>Diana Leafe Christian, author of </em>Creating a Life Together<em>&nbsp;and </em>Finding Community,<em>&nbsp;speaks at conferences, offers consultations, and leads workshops and webinars on creating successful new communities, and on Sociocracy, an effective self-governance and decision-making method. She has written on community accountability issues for </em>Communities<em>&nbsp;magazine and in </em>Creating a Life Together<em>. She lives at Earthaven Ecovillage in North Carolina.</em></p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/on-community-a-graduated-series-of-consequences-and-the-community-eye/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "title": "On Community: A Graduated Series of Consequences and the “Community Eye”",
      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326082\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><em>Knock knock! </em>There’s<em>&nbsp;</em>a sharp rap at the door.</p>\n<p>I open it to Larry, another community member.</p>\n<p>“It’s me, ‘Sharkey,’” he says in a fake tough-guy accent. “I’m heah ta let ya know ya owe $84 on ya tractor bill. Ya gonna pay up o’ wat?”</p>\n<p>“Uh, hello…‘Sharkey,’” I say, inviting Larry in. “I thought I paid it! I’ll write a check right now!”</p>\n<p>Egads, how embarrassing. I’d arranged for some work on my driveway from a neighbor using the community tractor months before. And completely forgot to pay for it.</p>\n<p>“We emailed ya,” Larry adds, staying in character as he came in and sat down. “But ya nevah paid it.</p>\n<p>“I’m on da Accountability Team, see,” he continues, “and dis is da foist consequence—we visit ya an’ ask ya ta pay up.”</p>\n<p>This was actually pretty funny. <em>I</em>&nbsp;was the one who’d suggested that our community adopt a “graduated series of consequences” process for accountability in the first place&nbsp;(I had&nbsp;learned about this process&nbsp;from a spiritually oriented community in Vancouver).&nbsp;We’d passed the proposal to do this just a month before. We created our own series of consequences to encourage some of our members to better comply with our agreements and obligations. Our first consequence was for one community member to talk with the person who broke the agreement. And…the very first time we applied the first consequence, it was to <em>me.</em>&nbsp;Hilarious. (Playing “Sharkey” with a gangster accent was Larry’s own creative touch.) I paid my overdue tractor bill and Sharkey and I had a laugh about it.</p>\n<p><strong>Why Does a Community Even </strong><strong><em><strong><em>Need</em></strong></em></strong><strong>&nbsp;Consequences?</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>As you know if you live in community, it’s especially painful when someone consistently doesn’t keep the group’s agreements, fulfill its obligations, or violates its basic behavioral norms even once, or refuses to make the changes the community repeatedly requests about their behavior or communication style. However, people new to community or who’ve never lived in one sometimes believe that bad habits, negative attitudes, or hurtful behaviors will somehow be left at the gate―since, many people new to community believe, if it’s <em>really</em>&nbsp;community everyone gets along well, keeps all community agreements, and fulfills all obligations. And these naïve, misinformed folks are usually the first to feel outraged when anyone suggests ways to help everyone keep the group’s agreements. Since in <em>community</em>&nbsp;everyone just <em>naturally</em>&nbsp;does the right thing. <em>Oops!</em></p>\n<p>The most common agreements and behavior norms people might violate concern parking, quiet hours, cleanliness of shared areas, or behavior of children or pets; not fulfilling required labor hours or paying community dues and fees; or indulging in abusive language or actions, various kinds of substance abuse, or harming the community in some way: legally, financially, in terms of its reputation, and so on.</p>\n<p>When this happens and there is no remedy, the person can be perceived as a kind of “community aristocrat,” since clearly the agreements everyone else keeps don’t apply to <em>them</em>. If there is no recourse to deal with the rule-breakers, people who <em>do</em>&nbsp;keep the agreements can feel resentful and discouraged. If this goes on too long they can get so discouraged and demoralized—“Why did I even <em>join</em>&nbsp;a community?”—they often stop participating in the community and sometimes eventually leave it altogether.<em></em></p>\n<p>A graduated series of consequences&nbsp;is intended to help people who <em>consistently</em>&nbsp;break the group’s agreements (or do something awful), rather than those who break an agreement once in a while. The approach is designed to encourage accountability—<em>not</em>&nbsp;by punitive measures or fines, <em>not</em>&nbsp;by shaming or blaming—but through a series of fair, compassionate, incremental consequences, from mild to increasingly serious, which treat the person respectfully while also asking them to make necessary changes and resolve the problem. It <em>is</em>&nbsp;possible to say, “We <em>want</em>&nbsp;you to follow our agreements,” or, “We don’t want you to do <em>that,”</em>&nbsp;in ways that are direct and emotionally authentic while honoring the person’s dignity. And it’s possible to do this even if<em>&nbsp;</em>the last-resort consequence when nothing changes after a series of consequences is being asked to leave the community.</p>\n<p>When all else fails, this kind of respectful yet increasingly potent peer pressure can give the person the needed inducement to change.</p>\n<p><strong>Requests for Compliance, Offers of Help</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>In a graduated series of consequences one or more community representatives asks the person who has consistently broken agreements to comply with community agreements again. The representatives inquire whether the person needs help of some kind. Did they have a sudden unexpected expense or illness, painful difficulty in their family or at work, an illness or death of someone close to them? And if so, how could the community help? If the broken agreement involves community labor or dues and fees and the person can’t resolve the issue immediately, a date could be set in the near future by which the person should do the work or pay the money. People from the community’s Care Team or Process Committee could do this, or the group could create an Accountability Team just for this purpose.</p>\n<p>If the person complies with the agreement or stops the undesirable behavior, great! The method worked and no more action is taken. The person is <em>not</em>&nbsp;shamed or blamed and no one throws it up to them later by saying something like, “Hey, we had to get the first consequence after you!” That is <em>not</em>&nbsp;how the method is designed. Rather it’s designed so that when a consequence resolves the problem the community forgives, forgets, and moves on.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326083\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p><strong>What a Graduated Series of Consequences Can Look Like</strong></p>\n<p>Here is an example of the kinds of incremental consequences a community can create.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>First Consequence</em></strong></em></strong><em>:</em>&nbsp;One community member asks the person not keeping the agreement to comply with it again. This is what Larry, as “Sharkey,” did with me.</p>\n<p>If the person does comply (or stops doing an undesirable behavior), great! The first consequence was effective. No further action is taken.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Second Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person continues to break the agreement (or do an undesirable behavior), a small group, perhaps three or four people, asks them to comply with it again or stop the behavior (like having three or four Sharkeys at the door).</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Third Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If this still doesn’t resolve the problem, it <em>may</em>&nbsp;mean the person has a chronic difficulty in keeping agreements in general. Or it may simply mean they’ve had some unexpected challenging circumstances and it may not be a characteristic pattern at all.</p>\n<p>In any case, the community still doesn’t give up on them. The community creates an informal written contract with the member (“informal”—no lawyers needed) outlining how in several steps over the next few months the person will resolve the issue, with periodic meetings with one or more other community members to help the person stay on track and abide with the contracted steps to resolve the issue.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fourth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the issue is still not resolved, it <em>could</em>&nbsp;be that nothing will remedy the situation and the person has a serious problem. <em>Please</em>&nbsp;don’t assume, as many community newcomers do, that with enough community support—heartshares, talking stick circles, mediations, or hugs—the person will heal their deep-seated patterns and change. I think this is unrealistic. The person needs effective outside professional help. And Yes, a community can suggest or request this, but…the person may not see why it’s needed, feel dreadfully insulted, and not seek the help.</p>\n<p>In the hope that the problem actually <em>can</em>&nbsp;be resolved though, in the fourth consequence the group holds a community meeting about the issue. Each participant shares how the person’s not keeping the agreement has affected them, and they might express any emotions&nbsp;this triggered in them. (While it would be ideal for people to use the neutral language of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and simply describe their feelings and which unmet values or needs gave rise to them, not every community member is skilled at this. Some people may be so annoyed they end up speaking forcefully or even harshly to the agreement-breaker.) The person also tells the group what’s been going on with them, if there’ve been circumstances that diminished their ability to keep agreements.</p>\n<p>At this meeting the group puts the person on “membership probation.” This means if the person doesn’t keep the agreement or stop the undesirable behavior by a certain date (which, given how much time has passed since the first consequence, may be just a few days), the fifth consequence occurs.</p>\n<p>If the person doesn’t attend the meeting, it is still held<s>,</s>&nbsp;for the benefit of everyone else, and the person is given notes from or an audio or video recording of the meeting.</p>\n<p><strong><em><strong><em>Fifth Consequence:</em></strong></em></strong>&nbsp;If the person still hasn’t resolved the problem by the given date, then, in the final, “last resort” consequence, their community membership is revoked and they’re asked to leave the group.&nbsp;[Asking someone to leave the community is not possible or legal in US or Canadian communities in which people own and have deeds to their housing units, apartments, lots, or houses—such as in most cohousing communities—since property rights trump internal community agreements. An exception would be communities owned as housing co-ops, in which it is legal to choose one’s members and, if needed, to ask them to leave.]</p>\n<p>It is certainly drastic to put a member on probation status, which means if they don’t resolve the problem they will be asked to leave. When the violation is severe enough or the conflict too wrenching, by a fourth or fifth consequence with no resolution, the group needs to get realistic. Sometimes increasingly public consequences are the only way to protect your community from the devastatingly low morale that can occur in this situation.</p>\n<p>Again, this example shows how a community <em>could</em>&nbsp;create a series of consequences. The group could create fewer or more steps or different consequences.</p>\n<p><strong>The Secret Reason this Process Works</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>When I ask people in my workshops why they think this method is effective, most people say something like, “Because each consequence is more visible and impactful than the previous one, and people want to avoid the next one!”</p>\n<p>True in principle, but a more subtle reason is at work here. It’s not because a rule-breaker might get a knock at their door as&nbsp;I did. It’s simply because the group’s agreed-on series of consequences <em>exists. </em>Just knowing the community <em>has</em>&nbsp;this process <em>itself </em>deters people from breaking agreements. People don’t want to get a knock at the door by one fellow community member, much less three or four. And they sure don’t want to have a whole community meeting about it!</p>\n<p><strong>Do We Even Need to Apply this Process?</strong></p>\n<p>Strangely enough, after a community adopts a series of consequences they may never have to use them, since from then on people tend keep their agreements.</p>\n<p>Or maybe they only have to apply the first, relatively mild consequence, like what I got; or maybe with only one or two members, if needed. The knowledge that we now have a method of ever-increasing community visibility and peer pressure&nbsp;has a remarkable deterrent effect. After the first or at most two consequences are applied to one or more community members, amazingly, from then on almost everyone honors the group’s agreements.</p>\n<p><strong>The Community Eye—“As if all the world were watching</strong><strong>…</strong><strong>”</strong><strong></strong></p>\n<p>I think of a series of consequences as the practical application of what I call the “Community Eye”—each consequence gives increasing visibility to the person’s transgressions and increasing numbers of fellow community members know about it. Broken agreements or violations of community norms that are kept hidden and secret by a well-meaning community often persist in the dark, sometimes for years. But shine the light of everyone knowing about and people suddenly behave better—significantly<em>&nbsp;</em>more likely to keep agreements, fulfill obligations, and become more collaborative community citizens. Most of us have a deep desire to be respected, trusted, and liked by our peers. When we&nbsp;know people are watching, as scientific research confirms,&nbsp;we&nbsp;behave better.&nbsp;[For articles citing scientific research supporting this, see “How being watched changes you,” by Jason G. Goldman, February 10, 2015, <em>BBC Future,</em>&nbsp;or “How the Illusion of Being Observed Can Make You a Better Person,” Sander van der Linden, May 3, 2011, <em>Scientific American.</em>]</p>\n<p>Even Thomas Jefferson observed this, writing, “Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.”&nbsp;Over the last 15 years I’ve suggested the graduated series of consequences method (and shared a template for creating one) with communities all over the world. For as Thomas Jefferson, Sharkey, and I know first-hand, the “Community Eye” is a powerful motivator.</p>\n<p><em>Diana Leafe Christian, author of </em>Creating a Life Together<em>&nbsp;and </em>Finding Community,<em>&nbsp;speaks at conferences, offers consultations, and leads workshops and webinars on creating successful new communities, and on Sociocracy, an effective self-governance and decision-making method. She has written on community accountability issues for </em>Communities<em>&nbsp;magazine and in </em>Creating a Life Together<em>. She lives at Earthaven Ecovillage in North Carolina.</em></p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/on-community-a-graduated-series-of-consequences-and-the-community-eye/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "title": "Raising Troubled Children in Cohousing",
      "body": "<center>https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-4.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-4.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326092\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p>Social workers brought my son, his bike, and all his worldly belongings to my home one February evening in 2004. He was almost 9, but he and I had never met.</p>\n<p>Seven months later, my next-door neighbor returned from Ukraine with his sons, two brothers aged 7 and 9. My neighbor and his sons barely knew each other, having met for the first time the year before when children from the orphanage were brought to the US for a short visit.</p>\n<p>This article focuses on the most significant ways our three adopted boys’ behavior affected our cohousing community and how we worked jointly to deal with the impact.</p>\n<p><strong>Adoption at Takoma Village</strong></p>\n<p>Although our group didn’t set this as an intention, adoption has figured prominently in the life of Takoma Village, a cohousing community of 43 households in Washington, DC. We’ve been a multigenerational community since the first members moved in during the fall of 2000, with residents ranging in age from infants to octogenarians. Usually, our numbers include around 65 adults and 15 children.</p>\n<p>Eleven of the kids who’ve lived at Takoma Village over the years have been adoptees. Several were adopted as infants or toddlers and joined their families from China, India, and the US foster care system. Some—like a former resident’s three boys, my son, and my neighbor’s two boys—were older, adopted during their elementary-school years from foster care or Eastern Europe.</p>\n<p>The three oldest boys moved away in 2007, when they were teens. During the years they lived at Takoma Village, they engaged in a variety of behaviors that were disruptive to the community, including fighting, lying, stealing, and bringing troublesome peers on site. Several years later, many of their experiences were echoed by my son and my neighbor’s sons. At times, our own boys turned on each other with unrestrained aggression, engaged in destructive rages at home that sometimes spilled out into the community, and stole sweets and treats from the common house.</p>\n<p>Despite our children’s challenging behavior, my son and my neighbor’s sons were friendly and helpful most of the time and participated regularly in events in the community. They joined in during cookouts and parties, worked alongside us and other adults on work days, and willingly carried packages or ran errands for neighbors. They engaged appropriately with other kids in the community and conversed comfortably with adults. As a result, there was a reservoir of goodwill toward our boys that helped the community weather the transgressions that occurred as they grew up.</p>\n<img src=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326093\"/>\n<p><strong>Common House Challenges</strong></p>\n<p>In most cohousing communities, the common house is a building that provides shared space for group meals, meetings, parties, watching TV, doing laundry, and a variety of other activities. At Takoma Village, the common house is viewed as an extension of our homes. As a result, it served as a convenient place for our kids to escape to. Many times, my son walked out of our house rather than face me being upset with him or the consequences of a mistake he’d made. The other boys did the same.</p>\n<p>As frustrating as their avoidance was, we came to see that—most of the time—the common house provided a safe refuge where they could calm down before returning home. Far better for them to retreat to the community’s common house than to roam the streets or run away from home.</p>\n<p>On the other hand, the televisions and computer in the common house presented compelling temptations on many occasions. Our children struggled academically and socially. TV shows, video games, and YouTube had a hypnotic effect that allowed them to escape the constant stress they felt. They yearned for more access to these devices and the opportunity to escape mentally and numb themselves.</p>\n<p>In middle school, my son started to skip school and hang out in the common house, watching TV in the living room or playing games on the office computer. Hoping to block his access to these resources, I sent an email asking the community to agree to keep specific rooms in the common house locked until the crisis passed.</p>\n<p>There were strong objections from one member. In emails, she made clear that she wanted the living room doors unlocked so the common house would be open and inviting. She wrote that she objected to having to carry a key. Beyond her personal preferences for the common house to feel and be open, she raised thought-provoking questions about what lessons were being taught by locking the rooms and shared her belief that this approach was not “helpful for the socialization of children or the social life of the community.” She suggested that the adults who observed my son in the common house during school hours approach him about his behavior. Ultimately, she said, she didn’t want to “live under the control of a recalcitrant child.”</p>\n<p>Her perspective had merit, and had I not been the overwhelmed parent struggling with my child’s truancy, academic struggles, and other problematic behaviors, I might have welcomed a philosophical back-and-forth about parenting approaches. One member sent an email noting that raising a child in a traditional community was not quite like raising a child in cohousing today. Most who responded agreed that the abundance of electronic devices available created a challenging environment for contemporary parents. Others wanted to avoid being in the position of confronting a child who was not their own. Support for locking the rooms was strong. Those who joined the email exchange wanted to defer to my request and provide the support I asked for.</p>\n<p>The issue was not brought to a membership meeting, and no firm agreement was reached. Most people locked the rooms. My son, his school, and I eventually worked through the immediate crisis, and I emailed to let my neighbors know the common house could return to its previous state. Several years later, the father of adopted twins made the same request after his boys started skipping homework and disappearing from playdates to sit in front of the television. The same objections were raised, but most people locked the rooms until the boys began to follow their father’s rules once again.</p>\n<p><strong>Home Break-ins and Thefts</strong></p>\n<p>The biggest challenge we faced in the community occurred over a period of several years. One boy’s compulsion to view sexually explicit material prompted him to break into a number of homes within the community and steal keys, cell phones, iPads, and laptop computers in order to have unfiltered access to the internet. He also picked the locks or pried open doors in the common house that led to rooms with televisions and computers inside.</p>\n<p>Around puberty, the boy began trying to circumvent his father’s restrictions on electronic devices in their home. Over the next couple of years, his efforts became increasingly sophisticated as he stole his father’s keys, repeatedly broke into a locked file cabinet, and hacked into their home computers in order to bypass administrator passwords.</p>\n<p>At age 14, the boy began entering neighbors’ homes if he found the deadbolt unlocked or a window unsecured. Occasionally he took small amounts of cash, which he spent on candy and junk food. Often, he stole keys to the common house office, where he could access the computer there. But primarily, he entered others’ homes so he could view online pornography on computers that had no parental controls set or stole cell phones or iPads for the same reason.</p>\n<p>In some cases, residents and their children were in another part of the home when the boy entered without permission. If they encountered each other, the boy fled. The startled parties usually responded with a mixture of anger and fear. The home intrusions were traumatizing, creating a sense of violation and triggering anxieties about safety and security in neighbors’ own homes.</p>\n<p>After a series of break-ins, one community member emailed to urge the community’s support for the family, despite the fact that her home had been entered. She wrote, “My heart goes out to [him]. Whatever experiences he had early in life continue to haunt him in ways that I can only imagine. My heart goes out to [his father]. How exhausting and disheartening this whole thing has been and continues to be.”</p>\n<p>To make&nbsp;sure everyone was aware of the risks,&nbsp;the boy’s father spoke openly about the situation at membership meetings and shared information with the community in emails. He urged people not to set their phones, computers, and tablets down in common areas, even briefly, and to be sure they had strong passwords on their devices to prevent unauthorized use. Neighbors were reminded to secure their doors and windows, a precaution many ignored. He pledged to provide as much direct supervision as possible when the boy was home, but also asked for support in monitoring his son’s whereabouts.</p>\n<p>An effort was also made to engage the boy in a restorative justice circle designed to help him understand the impact of his behavior on his relationships and move toward a reconciliation. Trained facilitators worked to enable a dialogue between the boy and those who had been victimized, but it was too much for him to bear, and he fled the room. The facilitators then helped the adults air their concerns and identify reparations the boy later carried out, such as helping fold others’ laundry.</p>\n<p>The break-ins abated, but two years later a resurgence of home intrusions occurred. The boy’s father decided that the boy—now 16 years old—needed to understand more directly the real-life consequences of his behaviors. At his urging, neighbors reluctantly called the police on several occasions over the next months. The police were unable to make an arrest because of insufficient evidence, but officers trained in dealing with troubled youth had serious conversations with the boy.</p>\n<p>When an arrest was finally made, the boy’s case was successfully diverted to a system designed for juveniles with mental health issues, and his arrest record was eventually expunged.</p>\n<p><strong>The Potential for Sexual Abuse</strong></p>\n<p>While the boy’s interest in sexual material seemed age-appropriate, his willingness to go to such lengths to access it suggested more deep-seated psychological struggles. My next-door neighbor and I, both psychotherapists, recognized that children who’ve been traumatized sometimes have a compulsion to reenact the trauma in an effort to make sense of their experience. Both singly and jointly with other parents of adopted children, we urged the community to be mindful of the potential risk.</p>\n<p>Through repeated emails and at membership meetings, we communicated our concerns. We noted that there were many things we didn't know about our boys’ histories. It was obvious they had trouble managing their angry impulses as children, and we cautioned that they might also have trouble controlling their sexual impulses at puberty. For the well-being of all the kids in the community, we recommended that younger children of either gender not be left alone with our boys. When new residents moved into the community, I met with them personally to alert them to the risk and advise them of the precautions members were urged to take.</p>\n<img src=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web3-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326094\"/>\n<p><strong>Conclusion</strong></p>\n<p>Any child can experience emotional and behavioral challenges, but such challenges are common for children adopted after infancy. Older kids who have been removed from their birth families have often experienced years of neglect and deprivation, witnessed and been subjected to violence and abuse, and learned maladaptive behaviors modeled by their caretakers.</p>\n<p>Children’s traumatic histories have a profound impact on their ability to trust and feel safe, communicate their feelings and needs, and manage their emotions. In addition, children from such backgrounds have often been exposed <em>in utero</em>&nbsp;to alcohol and other brain-altering substances, which can affect their ability to learn. They are often delayed in their emotional and social development, behaving in ways that belie their chronological age.</p>\n<p>None of us fully realized what was ahead when we adopted older children. When the challenges manifested themselves, we sought out psychotherapy and other therapeutic resources, worked closely with our children’s schools, and accessed other services to help our kids heal and thrive.</p>\n<p>As much as possible in dealing with our children’s actions, we sought to avoid involving them in the juvenile justice system or having them placed outside of our homes in residential treatment facilities. Taking such steps is common among adoptive families without the extensive support network we had in our cohousing community. Although we explored these options at times, we believed those steps would have been traumatizing to our children and experienced as punishment for behaviors they often didn’t understand themselves.</p>\n<p>As one member noted in an email, “Only in cohousing would actions such as breaking into a unit and stealing receive so much compassion and understanding. In a typical condominium, the police would have been called and (possibly) a juvenile arrest made. Makes me grateful to live here. What amazes me is our community’s ability to see far beyond behavior issues and reach out to help a troubled child.”</p>\n<p>When the boys’ behavior began to impact the larger community, we found it was essential to communicate openly about it. Although it was embarrassing and opened up the possibility we would be judged or criticized, we realized neighbors needed to know what was going on, what efforts were being pursued to address the problematic behaviors, and what they could do to help if they were willing. Over the years we posted numerous emails, scheduled time for discussion in membership meetings, and participated in face-to-face conversations to share our struggles, hear from our neighbors, and identify a path forward.</p>\n<p>Today our boys are young adults in their early 20s. All of them graduated from high school. My son works full-time in the hospitality industry. My neighbor’s sons work in a retail store and at a break-dancing studio. Two of the boys are in long-term relationships and live with their partners. Like most adults, the boys struggle at times, but they are respectful and responsible young men who treat others with compassion and care. They are evidence that cohousing is a wonderful place to raise troubled children.</p>\n<p><em>Alicia J. George is a single mom and a psychotherapist in private practice in Washington, DC. She has been a member of Takoma Village Cohousing since it was built nearly 20 years ago.</em> <em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation) <a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation//\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em> </p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://adam.staging.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web4-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326095\"/>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://adam.staging.ic.org/raising-troubled-children-in-cohousing/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "title": "Raising Troubled Children in Cohousing",
      "body": "<center>http://localhost/clients/fic/development/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-4.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-4.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326092\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p>Social workers brought my son, his bike, and all his worldly belongings to my home one February evening in 2004. He was almost 9, but he and I had never met.</p>\n<p>Seven months later, my next-door neighbor returned from Ukraine with his sons, two brothers aged 7 and 9. My neighbor and his sons barely knew each other, having met for the first time the year before when children from the orphanage were brought to the US for a short visit.</p>\n<p>This article focuses on the most significant ways our three adopted boys’ behavior affected our cohousing community and how we worked jointly to deal with the impact.</p>\n<p><strong>Adoption at Takoma Village</strong></p>\n<p>Although our group didn’t set this as an intention, adoption has figured prominently in the life of Takoma Village, a cohousing community of 43 households in Washington, DC. We’ve been a multigenerational community since the first members moved in during the fall of 2000, with residents ranging in age from infants to octogenarians. Usually, our numbers include around 65 adults and 15 children.</p>\n<p>Eleven of the kids who’ve lived at Takoma Village over the years have been adoptees. Several were adopted as infants or toddlers and joined their families from China, India, and the US foster care system. Some—like a former resident’s three boys, my son, and my neighbor’s two boys—were older, adopted during their elementary-school years from foster care or Eastern Europe.</p>\n<p>The three oldest boys moved away in 2007, when they were teens. During the years they lived at Takoma Village, they engaged in a variety of behaviors that were disruptive to the community, including fighting, lying, stealing, and bringing troublesome peers on site. Several years later, many of their experiences were echoed by my son and my neighbor’s sons. At times, our own boys turned on each other with unrestrained aggression, engaged in destructive rages at home that sometimes spilled out into the community, and stole sweets and treats from the common house.</p>\n<p>Despite our children’s challenging behavior, my son and my neighbor’s sons were friendly and helpful most of the time and participated regularly in events in the community. They joined in during cookouts and parties, worked alongside us and other adults on work days, and willingly carried packages or ran errands for neighbors. They engaged appropriately with other kids in the community and conversed comfortably with adults. As a result, there was a reservoir of goodwill toward our boys that helped the community weather the transgressions that occurred as they grew up.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326093\"/>\n<p><strong>Common House Challenges</strong></p>\n<p>In most cohousing communities, the common house is a building that provides shared space for group meals, meetings, parties, watching TV, doing laundry, and a variety of other activities. At Takoma Village, the common house is viewed as an extension of our homes. As a result, it served as a convenient place for our kids to escape to. Many times, my son walked out of our house rather than face me being upset with him or the consequences of a mistake he’d made. The other boys did the same.</p>\n<p>As frustrating as their avoidance was, we came to see that—most of the time—the common house provided a safe refuge where they could calm down before returning home. Far better for them to retreat to the community’s common house than to roam the streets or run away from home.</p>\n<p>On the other hand, the televisions and computer in the common house presented compelling temptations on many occasions. Our children struggled academically and socially. TV shows, video games, and YouTube had a hypnotic effect that allowed them to escape the constant stress they felt. They yearned for more access to these devices and the opportunity to escape mentally and numb themselves.</p>\n<p>In middle school, my son started to skip school and hang out in the common house, watching TV in the living room or playing games on the office computer. Hoping to block his access to these resources, I sent an email asking the community to agree to keep specific rooms in the common house locked until the crisis passed.</p>\n<p>There were strong objections from one member. In emails, she made clear that she wanted the living room doors unlocked so the common house would be open and inviting. She wrote that she objected to having to carry a key. Beyond her personal preferences for the common house to feel and be open, she raised thought-provoking questions about what lessons were being taught by locking the rooms and shared her belief that this approach was not “helpful for the socialization of children or the social life of the community.” She suggested that the adults who observed my son in the common house during school hours approach him about his behavior. Ultimately, she said, she didn’t want to “live under the control of a recalcitrant child.”</p>\n<p>Her perspective had merit, and had I not been the overwhelmed parent struggling with my child’s truancy, academic struggles, and other problematic behaviors, I might have welcomed a philosophical back-and-forth about parenting approaches. One member sent an email noting that raising a child in a traditional community was not quite like raising a child in cohousing today. Most who responded agreed that the abundance of electronic devices available created a challenging environment for contemporary parents. Others wanted to avoid being in the position of confronting a child who was not their own. Support for locking the rooms was strong. Those who joined the email exchange wanted to defer to my request and provide the support I asked for.</p>\n<p>The issue was not brought to a membership meeting, and no firm agreement was reached. Most people locked the rooms. My son, his school, and I eventually worked through the immediate crisis, and I emailed to let my neighbors know the common house could return to its previous state. Several years later, the father of adopted twins made the same request after his boys started skipping homework and disappearing from playdates to sit in front of the television. The same objections were raised, but most people locked the rooms until the boys began to follow their father’s rules once again.</p>\n<p><strong>Home Break-ins and Thefts</strong></p>\n<p>The biggest challenge we faced in the community occurred over a period of several years. One boy’s compulsion to view sexually explicit material prompted him to break into a number of homes within the community and steal keys, cell phones, iPads, and laptop computers in order to have unfiltered access to the internet. He also picked the locks or pried open doors in the common house that led to rooms with televisions and computers inside.</p>\n<p>Around puberty, the boy began trying to circumvent his father’s restrictions on electronic devices in their home. Over the next couple of years, his efforts became increasingly sophisticated as he stole his father’s keys, repeatedly broke into a locked file cabinet, and hacked into their home computers in order to bypass administrator passwords.</p>\n<p>At age 14, the boy began entering neighbors’ homes if he found the deadbolt unlocked or a window unsecured. Occasionally he took small amounts of cash, which he spent on candy and junk food. Often, he stole keys to the common house office, where he could access the computer there. But primarily, he entered others’ homes so he could view online pornography on computers that had no parental controls set or stole cell phones or iPads for the same reason.</p>\n<p>In some cases, residents and their children were in another part of the home when the boy entered without permission. If they encountered each other, the boy fled. The startled parties usually responded with a mixture of anger and fear. The home intrusions were traumatizing, creating a sense of violation and triggering anxieties about safety and security in neighbors’ own homes.</p>\n<p>After a series of break-ins, one community member emailed to urge the community’s support for the family, despite the fact that her home had been entered. She wrote, “My heart goes out to [him]. Whatever experiences he had early in life continue to haunt him in ways that I can only imagine. My heart goes out to [his father]. How exhausting and disheartening this whole thing has been and continues to be.”</p>\n<p>To make&nbsp;sure everyone was aware of the risks,&nbsp;the boy’s father spoke openly about the situation at membership meetings and shared information with the community in emails. He urged people not to set their phones, computers, and tablets down in common areas, even briefly, and to be sure they had strong passwords on their devices to prevent unauthorized use. Neighbors were reminded to secure their doors and windows, a precaution many ignored. He pledged to provide as much direct supervision as possible when the boy was home, but also asked for support in monitoring his son’s whereabouts.</p>\n<p>An effort was also made to engage the boy in a restorative justice circle designed to help him understand the impact of his behavior on his relationships and move toward a reconciliation. Trained facilitators worked to enable a dialogue between the boy and those who had been victimized, but it was too much for him to bear, and he fled the room. The facilitators then helped the adults air their concerns and identify reparations the boy later carried out, such as helping fold others’ laundry.</p>\n<p>The break-ins abated, but two years later a resurgence of home intrusions occurred. The boy’s father decided that the boy—now 16 years old—needed to understand more directly the real-life consequences of his behaviors. At his urging, neighbors reluctantly called the police on several occasions over the next months. The police were unable to make an arrest because of insufficient evidence, but officers trained in dealing with troubled youth had serious conversations with the boy.</p>\n<p>When an arrest was finally made, the boy’s case was successfully diverted to a system designed for juveniles with mental health issues, and his arrest record was eventually expunged.</p>\n<p><strong>The Potential for Sexual Abuse</strong></p>\n<p>While the boy’s interest in sexual material seemed age-appropriate, his willingness to go to such lengths to access it suggested more deep-seated psychological struggles. My next-door neighbor and I, both psychotherapists, recognized that children who’ve been traumatized sometimes have a compulsion to reenact the trauma in an effort to make sense of their experience. Both singly and jointly with other parents of adopted children, we urged the community to be mindful of the potential risk.</p>\n<p>Through repeated emails and at membership meetings, we communicated our concerns. We noted that there were many things we didn't know about our boys’ histories. It was obvious they had trouble managing their angry impulses as children, and we cautioned that they might also have trouble controlling their sexual impulses at puberty. For the well-being of all the kids in the community, we recommended that younger children of either gender not be left alone with our boys. When new residents moved into the community, I met with them personally to alert them to the risk and advise them of the precautions members were urged to take.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web3-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326094\"/>\n<p><strong>Conclusion</strong></p>\n<p>Any child can experience emotional and behavioral challenges, but such challenges are common for children adopted after infancy. Older kids who have been removed from their birth families have often experienced years of neglect and deprivation, witnessed and been subjected to violence and abuse, and learned maladaptive behaviors modeled by their caretakers.</p>\n<p>Children’s traumatic histories have a profound impact on their ability to trust and feel safe, communicate their feelings and needs, and manage their emotions. In addition, children from such backgrounds have often been exposed <em>in utero</em>&nbsp;to alcohol and other brain-altering substances, which can affect their ability to learn. They are often delayed in their emotional and social development, behaving in ways that belie their chronological age.</p>\n<p>None of us fully realized what was ahead when we adopted older children. When the challenges manifested themselves, we sought out psychotherapy and other therapeutic resources, worked closely with our children’s schools, and accessed other services to help our kids heal and thrive.</p>\n<p>As much as possible in dealing with our children’s actions, we sought to avoid involving them in the juvenile justice system or having them placed outside of our homes in residential treatment facilities. Taking such steps is common among adoptive families without the extensive support network we had in our cohousing community. Although we explored these options at times, we believed those steps would have been traumatizing to our children and experienced as punishment for behaviors they often didn’t understand themselves.</p>\n<p>As one member noted in an email, “Only in cohousing would actions such as breaking into a unit and stealing receive so much compassion and understanding. In a typical condominium, the police would have been called and (possibly) a juvenile arrest made. Makes me grateful to live here. What amazes me is our community’s ability to see far beyond behavior issues and reach out to help a troubled child.”</p>\n<p>When the boys’ behavior began to impact the larger community, we found it was essential to communicate openly about it. Although it was embarrassing and opened up the possibility we would be judged or criticized, we realized neighbors needed to know what was going on, what efforts were being pursued to address the problematic behaviors, and what they could do to help if they were willing. Over the years we posted numerous emails, scheduled time for discussion in membership meetings, and participated in face-to-face conversations to share our struggles, hear from our neighbors, and identify a path forward.</p>\n<p>Today our boys are young adults in their early 20s. All of them graduated from high school. My son works full-time in the hospitality industry. My neighbor’s sons work in a retail store and at a break-dancing studio. Two of the boys are in long-term relationships and live with their partners. Like most adults, the boys struggle at times, but they are respectful and responsible young men who treat others with compassion and care. They are evidence that cohousing is a wonderful place to raise troubled children.</p>\n<p><em>Alicia J. George is a single mom and a psychotherapist in private practice in Washington, DC. She has been a member of Takoma Village Cohousing since it was built nearly 20 years ago.</em> <em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation) <a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation//\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em> </p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web4-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326095\"/>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/raising-troubled-children-in-cohousing/ </em><hr/></center>",
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      "title": "Raising Troubled Children in Cohousing",
      "body": "<center>https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-4.jpg</center> <br/><p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web1-4.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326092\" width=\"768\" height=\"432\"/>\n<p>Social workers brought my son, his bike, and all his worldly belongings to my home one February evening in 2004. He was almost 9, but he and I had never met.</p>\n<p>Seven months later, my next-door neighbor returned from Ukraine with his sons, two brothers aged 7 and 9. My neighbor and his sons barely knew each other, having met for the first time the year before when children from the orphanage were brought to the US for a short visit.</p>\n<p>This article focuses on the most significant ways our three adopted boys’ behavior affected our cohousing community and how we worked jointly to deal with the impact.</p>\n<p><strong>Adoption at Takoma Village</strong></p>\n<p>Although our group didn’t set this as an intention, adoption has figured prominently in the life of Takoma Village, a cohousing community of 43 households in Washington, DC. We’ve been a multigenerational community since the first members moved in during the fall of 2000, with residents ranging in age from infants to octogenarians. Usually, our numbers include around 65 adults and 15 children.</p>\n<p>Eleven of the kids who’ve lived at Takoma Village over the years have been adoptees. Several were adopted as infants or toddlers and joined their families from China, India, and the US foster care system. Some—like a former resident’s three boys, my son, and my neighbor’s two boys—were older, adopted during their elementary-school years from foster care or Eastern Europe.</p>\n<p>The three oldest boys moved away in 2007, when they were teens. During the years they lived at Takoma Village, they engaged in a variety of behaviors that were disruptive to the community, including fighting, lying, stealing, and bringing troublesome peers on site. Several years later, many of their experiences were echoed by my son and my neighbor’s sons. At times, our own boys turned on each other with unrestrained aggression, engaged in destructive rages at home that sometimes spilled out into the community, and stole sweets and treats from the common house.</p>\n<p>Despite our children’s challenging behavior, my son and my neighbor’s sons were friendly and helpful most of the time and participated regularly in events in the community. They joined in during cookouts and parties, worked alongside us and other adults on work days, and willingly carried packages or ran errands for neighbors. They engaged appropriately with other kids in the community and conversed comfortably with adults. As a result, there was a reservoir of goodwill toward our boys that helped the community weather the transgressions that occurred as they grew up.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web2-3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326093\"/>\n<p><strong>Common House Challenges</strong></p>\n<p>In most cohousing communities, the common house is a building that provides shared space for group meals, meetings, parties, watching TV, doing laundry, and a variety of other activities. At Takoma Village, the common house is viewed as an extension of our homes. As a result, it served as a convenient place for our kids to escape to. Many times, my son walked out of our house rather than face me being upset with him or the consequences of a mistake he’d made. The other boys did the same.</p>\n<p>As frustrating as their avoidance was, we came to see that—most of the time—the common house provided a safe refuge where they could calm down before returning home. Far better for them to retreat to the community’s common house than to roam the streets or run away from home.</p>\n<p>On the other hand, the televisions and computer in the common house presented compelling temptations on many occasions. Our children struggled academically and socially. TV shows, video games, and YouTube had a hypnotic effect that allowed them to escape the constant stress they felt. They yearned for more access to these devices and the opportunity to escape mentally and numb themselves.</p>\n<p>In middle school, my son started to skip school and hang out in the common house, watching TV in the living room or playing games on the office computer. Hoping to block his access to these resources, I sent an email asking the community to agree to keep specific rooms in the common house locked until the crisis passed.</p>\n<p>There were strong objections from one member. In emails, she made clear that she wanted the living room doors unlocked so the common house would be open and inviting. She wrote that she objected to having to carry a key. Beyond her personal preferences for the common house to feel and be open, she raised thought-provoking questions about what lessons were being taught by locking the rooms and shared her belief that this approach was not “helpful for the socialization of children or the social life of the community.” She suggested that the adults who observed my son in the common house during school hours approach him about his behavior. Ultimately, she said, she didn’t want to “live under the control of a recalcitrant child.”</p>\n<p>Her perspective had merit, and had I not been the overwhelmed parent struggling with my child’s truancy, academic struggles, and other problematic behaviors, I might have welcomed a philosophical back-and-forth about parenting approaches. One member sent an email noting that raising a child in a traditional community was not quite like raising a child in cohousing today. Most who responded agreed that the abundance of electronic devices available created a challenging environment for contemporary parents. Others wanted to avoid being in the position of confronting a child who was not their own. Support for locking the rooms was strong. Those who joined the email exchange wanted to defer to my request and provide the support I asked for.</p>\n<p>The issue was not brought to a membership meeting, and no firm agreement was reached. Most people locked the rooms. My son, his school, and I eventually worked through the immediate crisis, and I emailed to let my neighbors know the common house could return to its previous state. Several years later, the father of adopted twins made the same request after his boys started skipping homework and disappearing from playdates to sit in front of the television. The same objections were raised, but most people locked the rooms until the boys began to follow their father’s rules once again.</p>\n<p><strong>Home Break-ins and Thefts</strong></p>\n<p>The biggest challenge we faced in the community occurred over a period of several years. One boy’s compulsion to view sexually explicit material prompted him to break into a number of homes within the community and steal keys, cell phones, iPads, and laptop computers in order to have unfiltered access to the internet. He also picked the locks or pried open doors in the common house that led to rooms with televisions and computers inside.</p>\n<p>Around puberty, the boy began trying to circumvent his father’s restrictions on electronic devices in their home. Over the next couple of years, his efforts became increasingly sophisticated as he stole his father’s keys, repeatedly broke into a locked file cabinet, and hacked into their home computers in order to bypass administrator passwords.</p>\n<p>At age 14, the boy began entering neighbors’ homes if he found the deadbolt unlocked or a window unsecured. Occasionally he took small amounts of cash, which he spent on candy and junk food. Often, he stole keys to the common house office, where he could access the computer there. But primarily, he entered others’ homes so he could view online pornography on computers that had no parental controls set or stole cell phones or iPads for the same reason.</p>\n<p>In some cases, residents and their children were in another part of the home when the boy entered without permission. If they encountered each other, the boy fled. The startled parties usually responded with a mixture of anger and fear. The home intrusions were traumatizing, creating a sense of violation and triggering anxieties about safety and security in neighbors’ own homes.</p>\n<p>After a series of break-ins, one community member emailed to urge the community’s support for the family, despite the fact that her home had been entered. She wrote, “My heart goes out to [him]. Whatever experiences he had early in life continue to haunt him in ways that I can only imagine. My heart goes out to [his father]. How exhausting and disheartening this whole thing has been and continues to be.”</p>\n<p>To make&nbsp;sure everyone was aware of the risks,&nbsp;the boy’s father spoke openly about the situation at membership meetings and shared information with the community in emails. He urged people not to set their phones, computers, and tablets down in common areas, even briefly, and to be sure they had strong passwords on their devices to prevent unauthorized use. Neighbors were reminded to secure their doors and windows, a precaution many ignored. He pledged to provide as much direct supervision as possible when the boy was home, but also asked for support in monitoring his son’s whereabouts.</p>\n<p>An effort was also made to engage the boy in a restorative justice circle designed to help him understand the impact of his behavior on his relationships and move toward a reconciliation. Trained facilitators worked to enable a dialogue between the boy and those who had been victimized, but it was too much for him to bear, and he fled the room. The facilitators then helped the adults air their concerns and identify reparations the boy later carried out, such as helping fold others’ laundry.</p>\n<p>The break-ins abated, but two years later a resurgence of home intrusions occurred. The boy’s father decided that the boy—now 16 years old—needed to understand more directly the real-life consequences of his behaviors. At his urging, neighbors reluctantly called the police on several occasions over the next months. The police were unable to make an arrest because of insufficient evidence, but officers trained in dealing with troubled youth had serious conversations with the boy.</p>\n<p>When an arrest was finally made, the boy’s case was successfully diverted to a system designed for juveniles with mental health issues, and his arrest record was eventually expunged.</p>\n<p><strong>The Potential for Sexual Abuse</strong></p>\n<p>While the boy’s interest in sexual material seemed age-appropriate, his willingness to go to such lengths to access it suggested more deep-seated psychological struggles. My next-door neighbor and I, both psychotherapists, recognized that children who’ve been traumatized sometimes have a compulsion to reenact the trauma in an effort to make sense of their experience. Both singly and jointly with other parents of adopted children, we urged the community to be mindful of the potential risk.</p>\n<p>Through repeated emails and at membership meetings, we communicated our concerns. We noted that there were many things we didn't know about our boys’ histories. It was obvious they had trouble managing their angry impulses as children, and we cautioned that they might also have trouble controlling their sexual impulses at puberty. For the well-being of all the kids in the community, we recommended that younger children of either gender not be left alone with our boys. When new residents moved into the community, I met with them personally to alert them to the risk and advise them of the precautions members were urged to take.</p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web3-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326094\"/>\n<p><strong>Conclusion</strong></p>\n<p>Any child can experience emotional and behavioral challenges, but such challenges are common for children adopted after infancy. Older kids who have been removed from their birth families have often experienced years of neglect and deprivation, witnessed and been subjected to violence and abuse, and learned maladaptive behaviors modeled by their caretakers.</p>\n<p>Children’s traumatic histories have a profound impact on their ability to trust and feel safe, communicate their feelings and needs, and manage their emotions. In addition, children from such backgrounds have often been exposed <em>in utero</em>&nbsp;to alcohol and other brain-altering substances, which can affect their ability to learn. They are often delayed in their emotional and social development, behaving in ways that belie their chronological age.</p>\n<p>None of us fully realized what was ahead when we adopted older children. When the challenges manifested themselves, we sought out psychotherapy and other therapeutic resources, worked closely with our children’s schools, and accessed other services to help our kids heal and thrive.</p>\n<p>As much as possible in dealing with our children’s actions, we sought to avoid involving them in the juvenile justice system or having them placed outside of our homes in residential treatment facilities. Taking such steps is common among adoptive families without the extensive support network we had in our cohousing community. Although we explored these options at times, we believed those steps would have been traumatizing to our children and experienced as punishment for behaviors they often didn’t understand themselves.</p>\n<p>As one member noted in an email, “Only in cohousing would actions such as breaking into a unit and stealing receive so much compassion and understanding. In a typical condominium, the police would have been called and (possibly) a juvenile arrest made. Makes me grateful to live here. What amazes me is our community’s ability to see far beyond behavior issues and reach out to help a troubled child.”</p>\n<p>When the boys’ behavior began to impact the larger community, we found it was essential to communicate openly about it. Although it was embarrassing and opened up the possibility we would be judged or criticized, we realized neighbors needed to know what was going on, what efforts were being pursued to address the problematic behaviors, and what they could do to help if they were willing. Over the years we posted numerous emails, scheduled time for discussion in membership meetings, and participated in face-to-face conversations to share our struggles, hear from our neighbors, and identify a path forward.</p>\n<p>Today our boys are young adults in their early 20s. All of them graduated from high school. My son works full-time in the hospitality industry. My neighbor’s sons work in a retail store and at a break-dancing studio. Two of the boys are in long-term relationships and live with their partners. Like most adults, the boys struggle at times, but they are respectful and responsible young men who treat others with compassion and care. They are evidence that cohousing is a wonderful place to raise troubled children.</p>\n<p><em>Alicia J. George is a single mom and a psychotherapist in private practice in Washington, DC. She has been a member of Takoma Village Cohousing since it was built nearly 20 years ago.</em> <em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation) <a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation//\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em> </p>\n<p><em>Excerpted from the Fall 2019 edition of Communities, “The Shadow Side of Cooperation”—full issue available for download (by voluntary donation)</em> <em><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https://www.ic.org/community-bookstore/product/communities-magazine-the-shadow-side-of-cooperation/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.</em></p>\n<img src=\"https://www.ic.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/web4-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-326095\"/>\n <br /><center><hr/><em>Posted from my blog with <a href='https://wordpress.org/plugins/steempress/'>SteemPress</a> : https://www.ic.org/raising-troubled-children-in-cohousing/ </em><hr/></center>",
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