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      "body": "❤️",
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      "title": "Grief part 2",
      "body": "In the beginning, grief is a fog; a thick, dense, and never ending barrier between you and the world as you once knew it. At one point you figured it would lift, as fog tends to do, but after days and then weeks spent under its heavy cloak, you begin to wonder if it’s become a part of your everyday life. In those moments, you might have thought, “All I want is to feel better,”  because you want to feel normal, whatever that may mean to you. Yet the simplicity of a ‘normal’ existence seems unfathomable.  Impossible even.\n\nThen one day you look around and realize you can see a little  further in front of you, things are more colorful, and they’re coming into clarity.  The days start getting a little bit easier, the nights a little more restful.  The tears come a little less and things like laughter, joy, and gratitude are once again a part of your emotional repertoire.  The smallest sliver of light cuts into the dark and you realize that this must be what ‘healing from grief’ looks like.  You also realize, that progress doesn’t feel as sweet as you imagined.\n\n“Something feels off,”  you say to yourself. “I should feel better about feeling better.”  \nGrief is funny, you know? You desperately want it to go away, except for sometimes when you don’t want it to go away.\n\nOver the course of time, it seems, love has gotten all mixed up with pain and grief.  You realize your pain has become the expression of love lost; the way you honor your loved one; the one consistent link between life with them and life without them; and an element of proof that their life left an indelible mark on those they leave behind.\n\nApparently, while you were wishing the pain of  grief away, it turned into something else entirely.  Maybe, in some ways, grief has even come to define you in the context of life after loss.  Who are you if you are not someone grieving the loss of someone very special?  And who are they if you are not here, in life, holding vigil for them?\n\nIf you are grappling with any of these thoughts or concerns, you are not the only one. These sorts of feelings come over many people and they might look a little something like this:\n\nI feel okay today, this must mean I am forgetting my loved one!!\n\nMy suffering is a sign of how much my loved one meant to me.  If I’m not suffering my love for them must be diminishing!  \n\nIf I stop feeling the deep pain of grief it is a sign life can move on without my loved one and I just won’t let that be true.\n\nI knew how to be a daughter and I know how to be a grieving daughter, but I don’t know how to be a daughter who has good days and is moving forward. \n\nThe only thing that keeps me connected to my loved one and keeps their memory alive is the deep pain of my grief.  Any little piece of that grief that disappears is another piece of my loved one disappearing.\nThese feelings are oh-so-common, I promise.  It is common to feel extremely conflicted about feeling better and, although it may not seem rational, it is also common to gravitate towards the pain. When it feels like the alternative to feeling pain is losing connection to your loved one, what other choice do you have?",
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      "body": "I know I said was going to start writing things. But I’ve been struggling. So I’ll leave this here. If you can relate I am so very sorry\n\nYou are walking along fine with everyone else and the sun is shining and all is well, then you walk SLAM into a brick wall. And it hurts – it really hurts. It hurts your head and your chest where your heart is and your stomach. And it shocks you as only slamming into a brick wall can. It stops you dead in your tracts. And you stand there thinking, “How did I not see that coming? What the hell happened? How could someone just do that to me?” And you look around and everyone else seems to be walking round the wall. They are carrying on like nothing happened and the sun is still shining for them. They don’t even see the wall. They don’t even know it’s there. And you realise you didn’t even know it was there till you hit it – you didn’t even know there was a brick wall you could hit – not now, not at this stage. And slowly you pull yourself back together. The pain in your stomach has turned to a sick feeling and your heart still hurts, your mind racing with questions about this brick wall – How, What, Where, Why??? Mostly WHY??? Why on earth would someone make you walk into this wall – why did they have to put it in front of you and no-one else?\n \nAnd you can walk again now the pain in your stomach and maybe your legs has lessened. So you slowly make your way around the wall and to the other side. But it doesn’t look the same on the other side. It’s greyer and emptier. And you know you’ve left something behind – something very precious and you want it back. So you turn round and there is the brick wall behind you and it seems to hit you with the same force again when you realise you can’t go back. It’s blocking your path and it will always be there. You pummel your fists on it and cry and shout at it but it’s unbreakable and absolute. It won’t let you get your precious bundle back – that has to stay on the other side and you must carry on without it. You can’t go back to the path you were on before you hit the brick wall – it’s impossible. So all you can do is go forward and walk on from it. But it’s hard going and your legs don’t seem to want to walk away from it. You know when you look over your shoulder it will always be there. It may fade a bit from view but if you look closely you will always be able to see it – even in the distance. And you look around you again and see all the people who never hit the brick wall carrying on too. You tell some of them about the brick wall and they sympathise – it must’ve hurt they say. You are looking very well despite this brick wall – you have no cuts or bruises on the outside because those heal. So you must be doing ok then now they say. But my wounds are on the inside you feel like screaming. How can you not know about this brick wall – why couldn’t you walk into instead of me? And then you feel bad – you know you wouldn’t really want anyone else to walk into that wall.\n \nSome people are ok – maybe they have seen the wall themselves in the past or came close to it – maybe they are really good friends/family who close their eyes and do try to imagine walking into the wall. They are the ones who help you keep walking away from it. People tell you that you’ll never hit this brick wall again – it only appears once in your life. And you want to believe them even though you can’t ever be sure. Up ahead it looks like maybe your path does cross back into the sunshine again – the same sunshine that everyone else is basking in. And you can maybe just make out another bundle waiting for you to pick up and carry with you for the rest of your life. And maybe if you are strong and keep moving forward then you’ll reach it one day. But it’s not the same bundle as before – it can’t be. That one is behind the wall. The wall that’s always there if you look over your shoulder. And written on it forever more is the message in letters a mile high, that only you can see “My darling baby. RIP”.\n\nA parent should never have to bury a child.",
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      "body": "I haven’t posted in a long time. I guess I just never thought I had anything anyone wanted to hear. But I’ve realized lately that there is many things I want to say. I’ve had a long life. Not an ideal life. I’ve lived through things most ppl don’t even see in their worst nightmares. I don’t regret my life. My life has made me who I am today. I have learned. I’ve made mistakes, hurt people and I’ve been hurt. But I know there are so many things I know, so many things I’ve felt, things I’ve broken and things I’ve fixed. And I know my experiences can help people. Maybe younger generations. Maybe older. I’m not saying I can help everyone but if I can help just one person then that would be enough. So I’m going to use this platform to go through my life. I’ll start back as far as I think I can make a difference. My life will be like this open book of trials and tribulations. We are all always learning. Even now I’m still learning. Im still making mistakes. But I know now that mistakes are what teach us. They help mold us into who we’ve become. Somethings I will be writing will be hard to read. Somethings may seem hard to believe. We all have a unique story to tell. I believe that people like me who have lived through the hell that can come in this world were put here to help others who are going through the same things. Or to help the loved ones of those people understand the battle their friend/family is facing. My first post will be tomorrow so o have some time to decide where I would like to start. I don’t have high expectations of followers or upvotes or any of that. I’ll be happy if I can reach one person who can relate or who gains some insight to their own lives. Until then thanks for reading. ❤️",
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      "body": "There is a quote I love and say all the time. \n\"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.\" Rose Kennedy\n\nSome things that  some of us endure are so tramatic and life changing that it changes who we are. How we think. And how we go on. There is no definitive way to get through the things that leave a mark on your soul. So  how do we live after those events? How do we allow ourselves to be happy again? The road to healing is long and hard and different for each of us. I myself can only take each day at a time. Sometimes not even a full day. It's been six years for me. Since my event. My son passed away. For most of that time I tried pretending I was ok. I tried forcing myself to be and do what I did before this happened. That was my first mistake. Something like this changes you down to your core. I had to learn and accept that I will never be the person I once was. I feel differently. I see things differently. My priorities have changed and my daughter who is 13 has also changed. We are learning how to be ok with who we are now. Adjusting. My second mistake was listening to love ones around me telling g me I had to get over it basically and move on. That just ended up making me hide my feelings which slowed the healing process. Losing a child is not something you will ever get over. You never get over it. In my opinion over time you learn how to carry the grief in a healthy way. You will have ok days. Maybe some great ones. But there is always going to be those bad days when grief just overwhelms you. And that's ok. What your going through is real. It matters. I was at work the other day making deliveries. I was having a good day. It was freezing, about ten degrees. I love the cold. It makes me feel alive. So the road was too steep for me to drive up the driveway so I grabbed the package and started walking. I had my headphones on. Then out of nowhere my mind was filled with all the memories of my son passing. It was like a train of grief and emotion crashed right into me full force. It took my breath away. When this happens I allow myself to feel it. I don't push it away. There's a reason why everything popped in my head. Even if I don't know that reason it still deserves to be felt. He was my son. He was here. He mattered.  Let yourself feel whatever you need to. It helps getting through whatever grief you are experiencing. \nMy third mistake was trying rush the recovery process. I gave myself this time limit and that was so wrong. You can't rush through it. Whatever it is deserves the time to heal properly. Don't let those around you make you feel bad or pathetic because your still coping. For some of us it will be a life long battle to cope and move forward. All that matters is you always try. \n\nThese weren't my only mistakes. But I feel they are the most important. The biggest ones that prohibited my healing g process. I still have a long way to go. And I'm learning along the way. I just wanted to share in case anyone is going through anything significantly affecting their lives. \nThank you for reading. ![FB_IMG_1508004260396.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmW8goyVChyRGg9kgUwTaYgScAVtmu3kuZ3cMN3AxwhheP/FB_IMG_1508004260396.jpg)",
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