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      "body": "Congratulations @ordinarybird! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@ordinarybird/birthday1.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 1 year!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@ordinarybird) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=ordinarybird)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/valentine-s-day-challenge-give-a-badge-to-your-beloved\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://i.cubeupload.com/LvDzr5.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/valentine-s-day-challenge-give-a-badge-to-your-beloved\">Valentine's day challenge - Give a badge to your beloved!</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Beginning to feel more comfortable with the pain and not consumed by it. And having done research I take stock of lessons I previously learnt that arise wisely during time. The emotions now are becoming free and nowi honour them, knowing they are important \n\nManaging it better\nBut tears just keep on coming especially at night time.\nIf I believe that my body retains every unrepressed emotion I have felt in my life then it is not unreasonable to accept that letting them go may hurt and take sometime.\nBut i believe that once I have gone through this journey then healing will have occurred. That some physical pains will have gone but more importantly a new space will be created within me for me to express emotions I have found almost impossible to express in my life, particularly gentleness, softness, femininity and a different kind of love. \nYou may not understand...but I know exactly what i am doing\nAlso thankyou to those of you who have pmd me with your own truths, healing videos, kindness and concern\n\nIt's always a dilemma when deciding to share emotions on facebook as ego is a big part of us all, as is seeking attention. I do check in with myself about this. I dont think there's a lot of ego in sharing the shitty part of yourself. And attention seeking, well ive been there, done that....\n\nI post because I am not afraid or ashamed or embarrassed.\nI post because I have always shared my experiences with my friends and I have so many friends, deep or true as well as many acquaintances on Facebook.\nI post to record my journey myself as paper is inconvenient as a nomad.\nI post for others. \nI post because people fear their shadows, People fear their pasts, People fear their ugliness, people fear all the shitty stuff...\nBut facing it, Knowing it, Experiencing it and most importantly honouring and understanding it..thats how I'm letting it go....this is how I choose to change \n\n![Crying-Eyes-Images-Man.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbGCBcKY3gXMGQzy3pXhHdfeAF9mRW7jL5sD2xQpG2uiB/Crying-Eyes-Images-Man.jpg)\n\n\n14th february\nManaging it better\nBut tears just keep on coming especially at night time.\n\n\nIf I believe that my body retains every unrepressed emotion I have felt in my life then it is not unreasonable to accept that letting them go may hurt and take sometime.\n\nBut i believe that once I have gone through this journey then healing will have occurred. That some physical pains will have gone but more importantly a new space will be created within me for me to express emotions I have found almost impossible to express in my life, particularly gentleness, softness, femininity and a different kind of love. \n\nYou may not understand...but I know exactly what i am doing\nAlso thankyou to those of you who have pmd me with your own truths, healing videos, kindness and concern\n\nIt's always a dilemma when deciding to share emotions on social media as ego is a big part of us all, as is seeking attention. I do check in with myself about this. I dont think there's a lot of ego in sharing the shitty part of yourself. And attention seeking, well ive been there, done that....\n\nI post because I am not afraid or ashamed or embarrassed.\nI post because I have always shared my experiences with my friends and I have so many friends, deep or true as well as many acquaintances on social media\nI post to record my journey myself as paper is inconvenient as a nomad.\nI post for others. \nI post because people fear their shadows, People fear their pasts, People fear their ugliness, people fear all the shitty stuff...\nBut facing it, Knowing it, Experiencing it and most importantly honouring and understanding it..thats how I'm letting it go....this is how I choose to change \n\nThat is where we change",
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      "body": "Beginning to feel more comfortable with the pain and not consumed by it. And having done research I take stock of lessons I previously learnt that arise wisely during time. The emotions now are becoming free and nowi honour them, knowing they are important \n\nManaging it better\nBut tears just keep on coming especially at night time.\nIf I believe that my body retains every unrepressed emotion I have felt in my life then it is not unreasonable to accept that letting them go may hurt and take sometime.\nBut i believe that once I have gone through this journey then healing will have occurred. That some physical pains will have gone but more importantly a new space will be created within me for me to express emotions I have found almost impossible to express in my life, particularly gentleness, softness, femininity and a different kind of love. \nYou may not understand...but I know exactly what i am doing\nAlso thankyou to those of you who have pmd me with your own truths, healing videos, kindness and concern\n\nIt's always a dilemma when deciding to share emotions on facebook as ego is a big part of us all, as is seeking attention. I do check in with myself about this. I dont think there's a lot of ego in sharing the shitty part of yourself. And attention seeking, well ive been there, done that....\n\nI post because I am not afraid or ashamed or embarrassed.\nI post because I have always shared my experiences with my friends and I have so many friends, deep or true as well as many acquaintances on Facebook.\nI post to record my journey myself as paper is inconvenient as a nomad.\nI post for others. \nI post because people fear their shadows, People fear their pasts, People fear their ugliness, people fear all the shitty stuff...\nBut facing it, Knowing it, Experiencing it and most importantly honouring and understanding it..thats how I'm letting it go....this is how I choose to change \n\n![Crying-Eyes-Images-Man.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbGCBcKY3gXMGQzy3pXhHdfeAF9mRW7jL5sD2xQpG2uiB/Crying-Eyes-Images-Man.jpg)\n\n\n14th february\nManaging it better\nBut tears just keep on coming especially at night time.\n\n\nIf I believe that my body retains every unrepressed emotion I have felt in my life then it is not unreasonable to accept that letting them go may hurt and take sometime.\n\nBut i believe that once I have gone through this journey then healing will have occurred. That some physical pains will have gone but more importantly a new space will be created within me for me to express emotions I have found almost impossible to express in my life, particularly gentleness, softness, femininity and a different kind of love. \n\nYou may not understand...but I know exactly what i am doing\nAlso thankyou to those of you who have pmd me with your own truths, healing videos, kindness and concern\n\nIt's always a dilemma when deciding to share emotions on social media as ego is a big part of us all, as is seeking attention. I do check in with myself about this. I dont think there's a lot of ego in sharing the shitty part of yourself. And attention seeking, well ive been there, done that....\n\nI post because I am not afraid or ashamed or embarrassed.\nI post because I have always shared my experiences with my friends and I have so many friends, deep or true as well as many acquaintances on social media\nI post to record my journey myself as paper is inconvenient as a nomad.\nI post for others. \nI post because people fear their shadows, People fear their pasts, People fear their ugliness, people fear all the shitty stuff...\nBut facing it, Knowing it, Experiencing it and most importantly honouring and understanding it..thats how I'm letting it go....this is how I choose to change \n\nThat is where we change",
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      "body": "I love the social networking place that shall not be mentioned....and I have and do spend alot of time there as I have real friends and community there and I tend to post there frequently deeply honestly and unashamedly.\n\nIve just been on a big self healing journey\nGoing from horrendous pain to virtually none and without medical intervention.....and i shared it all on social media...in part as a journal for myself but also to prove to others that there are so many other ways of healing ones self.\n\nAnd then a friend said why arent you sharing it on steem.\n\nSo i thought why not.....So here it is\n.......................................................................\n\n\nPart 1 of a successful healing journey....\nWritten 3rd february...\nIll post the remainder over next few days...\n\nSocial networks...a place where we only show the best side of ourselves. Life....a place where we show the world what we want them to see and only share the truth with a few special people.\n\nI read through my postings knowing very well I don't tell always tell the truth about what's going on with me but today it feels different. I'm not always happy and smiling.\n\n![FB_IMG_1553309442651.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmf4fdAY7euRrYsQaVixFsYCyEoFkeFtFDsBii832Bk4ed/FB_IMG_1553309442651.jpg)\n\nOver the last couple of years I have been further breaking myself down to heal.\nHaving changed my mind and my sense of myself, I was able to change my life. \nIt was not easy. \nIt required going to some very scary places, letting go of my miserable identity, to do the one thing that frightened me the most, and step through to the other side being okay with the consequences. I did things most people wouldn't have the balls to do.\n\nI had to do this to begin a process of healing, not only myself but relationships with people most closely entangled with me.\n\nAs I've travelled, I worked on opening my heart, beginning to learn old wisdom about chakras, which i thought were total toss in my old life.\n\nI am still working on my heart, realising that the life i had had caused me to harden my heart, to protect myself, so not only did I not show myself love, I  didn't show it very well to the most important people, my family and children. \n\nStrangely I had the capacity of great love for friends and strangers but the way I showed love to the most important people was definately lacking. And I intend to change that. To heal the mistakes of my past.\nI no longer live in the past but in the present, taking actions which i hope will improve the future for me and mine\nBut the past still lives in me.\n\nI absolutely believe that all illness, all pain, all dis-ease is a manifestation of our beliefs and experiences.\n\nEverytime we are afraid or tense, we hold tension in necks shoulders, and unless we learn how to let that go, our body remembers it, holds it in our physical matter. \n\nThe very language we use about our bodies tells us truths we fail to see. \nWhen worried, we are sick to the stomach, relationships give us pains in the neck, being emotionally mistreated we seek solice in food, alcohol or drugs all affecting our bodies, inflexible bodies tend reflect inflexible personalities. \nEverytime we breath in anxiety, fear, short and hot breath, we don't feed the vital air into the depths of our being, so slowly we suffocate the hundreds of thousands of delicate channels airating us and keeping us healthy and alive. \n\nI've been learning alot about my body, what I do and dont do with it, especially breathing.\n\nWhen I started to travel after 6 years of full on personal development, I wanted to let go of it all, finally and step into a new life. I journeled on my first day of travelling \"i want to let go\" and i did. In a very unexpected way. For over a year I shit my way round SE asia and asia. I picked up ameobic colitis, parasites and eventually dysentry. I literally let go of my shit. The universe provided.\n\nI learnt more through Vipassana, hanging with nuns, being in Ladakh and getting more exercise, going to gym, my first trek so many experiments on myself and my mind-body connection. \n\nThese lessons led me to the Tibetan yak man in nepal. He began teaching me to actively be part of my healing. Learning to let go of physical pains, residues from a past I no longer live. Together we practised a dynamic form of massage with me an active participant in a usually passive activity. We are totally discouraged from being part of our healing, from understanding ourselves. \n\nHe Encouraged me To observe the pain, understand it, find connections within myself to other sensations, open up channels as everything is connected, to unblock, and then to breathe into it and breathe it out, to cleanse myself. \n\nWith the yak man anything out is a celebration, pooh, wind, burps, farts, sweat, tears, ooooh sooo beautiful he would say and my personal experience confirms this. Through this process i miraculously healed long term chronic knee pain and straightened my fingers and have released some triggering in my fingers. A powerful process was begun...\nBut he and I are not together and may never be again. And no one else I know knows what he did so I am finding alternatives way.\n\nI have always had problems with my right shoulder/back/arm/wrist. All the accidents in my life are on this side, very Jungian. This then connects to my left leg, where I've recently had most intense pain in my ankle groin hip and lower back.\n\nMy research showed me the right is my masculine...aaaah...the strong side, the fighter, pragmatic, non emotional which has become over developed from so many years of being strong, fearful of the vulnerability and gentleness of being a woman in a life dominated by threatening men. \n\nI still resist my feminie seeing it as a weakness and knowing for my feminine to rise, I must allow myself to let go of the strength I've held onto for so many years. I dont need it anymore. I'm no longer that person. Its time to Ease out all the tension and history held there in my back, which is the past.\n\nFor the last couple of weeks, I've been having a series of massages and with my broken thai been explaining with massuse what i want to achieve and she is helping me. To find connections, to release.\n\n![FB_IMG_1553309434520.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmVwnZBcKaUcN72zsfmWZpdW8wbDkpr9eCzCqrzFVu5TeU/FB_IMG_1553309434520.jpg)\n\nWorking very much on groin area, which has been hurting for weeks,\nI told a friend I feel a deep sadness in this area and a need to cry that will not come out.\n\nWell 3 sessions of massage starting with clicky neck and shoulders and moving on to intensely working on groin to knee and hip areas seems to have done the job...which has kept me up most nights, all night, with a deep deep throbbing toothache, sharp stabbing and radiating down all the sinews in my thigh to my knees, so much pain, so much emotion....\n\nAnd today I finally popped...\n\nAnd with in 12 hours, I went from cheery festival glam to swollen, weeping crying. Interesting how easy It was to share the festival picture but not so easy to show the other side of myself puffed up, tired, emotional and in pain.\n\n![FB_IMG_1553309446274.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUdYnE6CX1z3rXTasjamU5uN55b4GqjhTPUQB9XX6XMqH/FB_IMG_1553309446274.jpg)\n\nReleasing old emotions is emotional. Yesterday I was Deeply in my pain and sadness and grateful for the cleansing tears and release of old feelings trapped in my body causing me pain. \nI wish I hadn't listened to people who told me not to cry. If tears come, I'm gonna let them come, i am going to cry this out, just as I shit it out as I am Grateful to be letting and gaining greater understanding of myself so I can heal my most important relationships.\n\nI continuing with the massages and gonna be looking into something called (trauma release something or other, dunno but its all about the abdoman and pelvic area where i know my emotions are stuck) and family constellations again. The most life changing process I ever took part in. The work is not done because the journey isnt over, because I am still alive.\n\nThis is not a sad posting but a celebration\n\nWe learn more in our pain, sadness and fear than we ever will in our joy and happiness.\n\nThe thing you most resist is the place where you will learn, grow, change and transform...",
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      "body": "Instinctively i knew may pain wasn't an illness or sickness. And so i decided to learn more about my body and whats going on inside me. Reminding myself of what i forgot i knew and adding new insights.\nAfter several massages my body memory and emotions began to seep out with both my physical and emotional pain growing.....and so I continued to investigate.....\n\n![3d-illustration-woman-meditating-450w-419906269.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmcg8RTvHDUxqb31vgv23iXNbanMjuoRKYQ3GzJgenAWKK/3d-illustration-woman-meditating-450w-419906269.jpg)\n\nFebruary 8th \n\nWow..\nThe more research I do....\nThe more oh my god moments I have as my body continues to tell me the truth about myself, where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. I just didn't understand the language it was speaking. Most of us are utterly disconnected with our bodies. \n\nMost of us  don't even notice our breathing, the essence of who we are. Our first breath shows we begin living in this body. Our last breath that we have left the body. To not realise how essential this relationship between body and breathe is to miss something fundamental about purselves. We only notice our body when it screams at us in pain or changes unexpectedly or stops us entirely. It is always speaking to us. We just don't know how to listen.\n\nNLP training began to teach me about mind body connection and gave me a tadte of quantum entanglent. So incredible. And then Vipassana was my first real teacher in the aspect of breath and healing and experience of  the quantum within and oud out of me.\nTo be able to sit with intense fire pain in my back right shoulder for hours, giving it no attention. It vanished, dissipated, a sankhara, gone. This healed a lot of pain from violence from my father and brother. \nSo......Stop!!\nFind a quiet place \nAnd breathe, In and out through the nose\nNatural no trying\nJust by feeling the air entering and leaving your nostrils\nAllow thoughts to come and go\nJust observe and feel and note\nIt will take sometime for you to notice as you are so far away from yourself but it will come as it is you...\nThis is the beginning of connecting with the truth of who you actually are. We all know when anxious or angry we breath short and hot, but do we know the impact that has on.our bodies and health cumulatively over years. The yogis did, the buddhists do, the tibetans do and i am sure many other old traditions. In many eastern philosophies there is recognition of the importance of breath for both its ability to cause us illness and to heal us.\n\nReflecting mirroring and reinforcing the work I've been doing in last couple of years and adding depth to the peices of knowledge acquired from all manner of people and places.\nAgain feel very tearful. I have looked for a way to heal myself. So i looked into metaphysical meanings to pains in certain parts of body and physiology of part of body....\n\nBut now understand and instinctively believe that left hip, groin, lower back is female energy, around the mother (and i know there is work to done there both as one and with one) family and healing, gentleness and nuturing. \n\nThe entire psoas area is the only connector of the back and front, left and right.....its an interesting muscle and i think it is a significant connection I've been seeking. \n\nThis place can help me balance my overused upper right back, strong, masculine side, with my underdeveloped, weaker feminine side, which when in disturbance can cause alot of emotion....aaaah hence the crying....yak was always saying find the connections in yourself and you will heal yourself.\n\nContinuing to research and learn. Also discovered Interesting stuff around creativity, which im not being and life purpose, which is a bit unclear at the moment. Also Changes in diet and type of exercise I do but that always comes up in my life.\n\nThere are so many modalities for healing and I believe many of us (including me) pooh pooh the old traditions, the intangible and indefinable  and I am so grateful that somehow or other this knowledge which has been around me for many many years, is now becoming part of my life....and my healing...\n\nAnyway going for another massage today. \nThese are allowing and helping me to feel the pathways and connections in my body and soften and open up tissues, sinews and netves that have been holding goodness knows what memories and emotions.\n\nI know that these 2 sides of myself can and will balance and that through these changes my relationships with the most important people also improve. \nAs I type this small tingling tears are at the corner of my eyes and there is a strange flutter feeling around my heart....",
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      "body": "My posts continued and I'd never really been honest about being in pain before.\nAt this stage i was doing alot of  research and having a weekly / biweekly thai massage. At the time I thought I was letting going but what I was doing was opening up and it hurt so bad.....\n\n![images (9).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmT8FUBrZvKwBQgeA6ovcSGsVsjyWXTBHbCfh1bCgKkjiP/images%20(9).jpeg)\n\nPosting on February 11th \nFeeling annoyed and frustrated with myself...\nI Cannot seem to use the practice and knowledge I have learned to be and to accept whatever with the fuuuuucking pain I am with.\nVipassana, long breath, meditation....arrrrggggghhh....\ni had no idea that the bloody annoying twinge and ache in my groin was gonna take me where its taking me\n\nAll I feel is pain...and they are shitty miserable feelings and Emotions connected to it. \nSadness, pity, vulnerability, weakness, aching, ugh...just shite feelings. \nLeaving me curled up, rocking in fetal position, in pain, as no position alliviates the sensations. In those moments I feel really vulnerable, frustrated, hearing myself murmuring\"....just please go away, please let it stop\"\n\nAll kinds of stuff coming up about my family relationships and all the regrets and mistakes made by my parents and by myself as a parent. All sorts of memories, feelings, shadows around motherhood and mothering. \n\nThe last massage in my hip oh my god, it was so intense my breath was the breathe of labour and I felt the fear associated with becoming a mum when i truly wasn't ready. At one point I almost begged the massuse to stop, as I felt exhausted dealing with the pain. \n\nThe pain is worse when I'm laying down and at night and somewhere, not yet cleared is all the years of sexual behaviour and all the disfunction, pain around that. I believe the hips are also attached to the sacral chakra associated with sexual desire. Oh good...not!!!\n\nI have definately opened up some old nasty shit and I can't stop now and not giving up as I've got not choice. The massage last week was beginning of clearing some stuff out and going for more but I've got to find a way of coping with what comes after...the hip seems to be opening and then closing, continuing to trap and block. I'm  Feeling a bit tender at the moment...with night and mornings being the worst.\n\nI'm doing lots of research, food, anatomy, energy, yoga, physiology, metaphysical meanings, chakras..all sorts.\n\nIt's really fascinating what we don't know about ourselves. No wonder so many people suffer from back pain, knee pain, hip pain, emotional pain. So much of it held in this huge muscle which also physically connected to our breathing and digestion. It struck me how many women particularly I know who hold in their emotions and the millions beyond and how common place hip replacements are. \nMaybe not an issue of age....???\n\nEverything is connected both inside and outside so as I change or affect one part of myself, there will inevitably be a knock on effect. As i released and straightened my shoulder joint, shifted the pain in my knees and deepened my breathing so energy has moved shifted and some cleared and gone, like layers of an onion, i open up and reveal more of myself to myself. We have over 72,000 channels in our bodies. So to not think one thing is not connected to another is a total illusion.\n\nLook at these simplified images of some if the major channels in the body, all connected, carrying every aspect of ourselves throughout ourselves.\nWe have no idea what we are and so what we are capable of. It us my belief the better i understand myself from any tradition or perspective the less ignorance i will have and more tools at my disposal to help make myself healthy.\n\n![images (10).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYsynGvq58tzRX8M9mRyddBH1eVoy6vCHPbJtxcXH69U6/images%20(10).jpeg)\n\n![aHR0cDovL3d3dy5saXZlc2NpZW5jZS5jb20vaW1hZ2VzL2kvMDAwLzAzNy85MDQvb3JpZ2luYWwvaHVtYW4tYm9keS1uZXJ2b3VzLTEzMDMwMS5qcGc=.webp](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYr8mhZJAmPNJx3CXcdNZWuDeYoasCM9KoPwsRdgPRk4b/aHR0cDovL3d3dy5saXZlc2NpZW5jZS5jb20vaW1hZ2VzL2kvMDAwLzAzNy85MDQvb3JpZ2luYWwvaHVtYW4tYm9keS1uZXJ2b3VzLTEzMDMwMS5qcGc=.webp)\n\n![1101_female-muscular-system-chart.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmWzx5Eq7hF8WkjKYCtXWqyyydDLwgQ1HaLc1toxHLVLx7/1101_female-muscular-system-chart.jpg)\n\nI am extremely grateful to be discovering all this and not everyone will agree with my beliefs but I do suggest that most of us have absolutely no idea of the workings of the vehicle in which our energy is carried.\n\nThere's lots more I can do and will do.\ncut out meat (nooooooo)\nincrease intake of natural anti inflammatories. Found some yoga exercises,\nSwimming\nThere's something here called TRE which is all about releasing trauma (hate that word) from psoas region and there's a session this week\nContinued massage \nStrengthening breathing techniques\n\nMy biggest challenge now is managing the pain at night and emotions which seems to be intimately associated with releasing and opening of this massive important muscle and my sacorial region.",
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      "body": "I'd not discussed pain on social media before and amongst friends. I'm always seen as the strong one so being vulnerable and not together is uncomfortable both for me and others.\nAlso pain can take over and become addictive and people can use it to gain attention, so being aware of the public display of my pain on begin to try to step away from the pain on the social media but still wishing to document journey believing i come beat it without traditional medicine.\n\n\nPosting 12th february\nOk...i need to get my shit together\nSeriously....\nI refuse to let this overwhelm me which it has been doing. \nI really was not prepared for what has been happening. Now it's been a while I see this has been controlling me, not the other way round and at the end of the day I create everything that is me.\n\nI am so sorry for the recent posts\nThings are going to change\n\nSo from now on I'm not in pain but \nI am experiencing sensations\nThat's  essentially what i am feeling sensations that are bringing up emotions\nPain is a word I am ascribing to these sensations. And pain is a loaded word with expectations around behaviour and responses.\n\nI learnt this in vipassanna and was able to sit with what at the time was my biggest pain, from my past, in my back shoulder, which  later learnt was the masculine side. I already knew instinctively that the back is pastband i always had a senses it was to do with deep family stuff but hadn't associated it with men. But i did have a lot of beef with my father especially. And he had been a pain in my lufe foe as long as i could remember. In vipassanna you learn to sit with your sensations, not judging, not attending, acxepting and observing them within the wholeness of every other sensation gross and subtle in your body. I was finally able to do this for 1 hour and the sensation, the pain changed, massively changed going from pain intensity of 100 to around 15. I let go energetically. And feelings about my relationship with my dad also changed.\n\nAnd now with recent massages, i am easing it out physically energy from a new part if myself.\nIt maybe Time to find another 10 day vipassanna\n\n![images (11).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmdaRjamdMqgLAvZemLKNkc2WtrV4VNimwkZcuCCgcAKje/images%20(11).jpeg)\n\nSo im reading alot about psoas muscle...\nPhysiologically the psoas muscle affects the length of the leg.\n\n![250px-Anterior_Hip_Muscles_2.PNG](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmSwpYJtRhZDevbmdhcYSo7BuCsxAV3W6tmutUDyZ26tdX/250px-Anterior_Hip_Muscles_2.PNG)\n\nI was born with one leg significantly longer than the other. I don't remember any of this but have been told. My dear dad refused to have his daughter have a limp. And I am eternally grateful to him for finding a shoe maker who over my childhood years built extensions to the shoe of my shorter leg so that I didn't have a significant limp for the rest of my life. The extension was lowered each time I got new shoes, which over a period of years straightened me out. \nIt seems likely that the straightening was probably located in the psoas muscle which would have tightened and constricted over a period of years. I wonder if my leg will get longer again lol I also have a scoliosis of the spine. Which I totally don't acknowledge so have no issues with. And it's interesting that what i am seeking in my life and have been for sometime is balance. \n\nEmotionally the psoas muscle is connected to our flight and fright system. Which is pretty much everything involved in readiness to run or fight. \nBreathing digestion back legs knees all of it so when we experience fear or anxiety the psoas contracts and curls in readiness but if not activated all that tension is held there, physically and emotionally, as fear and anxiety are emotional responses. \nThis huge deep muscle literally holds all that unrepressed emotion and how many of us in our daily lives feel fear stress anxiety with no ability in this modern world to run away or fight. Releasing tension is this muscle will very likely release old trapped emotions. \nAs my journey to my second life was about overcoming fear and terror, wihich i was successful in doing but i can only imagine at a physical level what is held inside me.....\nOh yes I do, I am just getting a taste of it now...\n\nI going to continue practising meditation to manage the emotions as they arise and release not become part of them\nAs this is both a physical and emotional (metaphysical) experience\n\nI am also changing my diet..\nTaking fish oil capsules\nMorning Tumeric, ginger, cucumber, lime infusion \nCutting out red and processed meats (goodbye sausages...my dear friend lol) \nAnyway for now I will continue with massages\nGentle exercise, swimming, yoga\nAttend TRE session\n\nAgain this is only a sensation created within myself, If I made it I can manage it\nAgain sorry for the previous postings \nI didn't fully understand what was happening and was completely caught in it all\n\nThanks for your kind messages and love\n❤❤❤❤❤❤",
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      "body": "I'd not discussed pain on social media before and amongst friends. I'm always seen as the strong one so being vulnerable and not together is uncomfortable both for me and others.\nAlso pain can take over and become addictive and people can use it to gain attention, so being aware of the public display of my pain on begin to try to step away from the pain on the social media but still wishing to document journey believing i come beat it without traditional medicine.\n\n\nPosting 12th february\nOk...i need to get my shit together\nSeriously....\nI refuse to let this overwhelm me which it has been doing. \nI really was not prepared for what has been happening. Now it's been a while I see this has been controlling me, not the other way round and at the end of the day I create everything that is me.\n\nI am so sorry for the recent posts\nThings are going to change\n\nSo from now on I'm not in pain but \nI am experiencing sensations\nThat's  essentially what i am feeling sensations that are bringing up emotions\nPain is a word I am ascribing to these sensations. And pain is a loaded word with expectations around behaviour and responses.\n\nI learnt this in vipassanna and was able to sit with what at the time was my biggest pain, from my past, in my back shoulder, which  later learnt was the masculine side. I already knew instinctively that the back is pastband i always had a senses it was to do with deep family stuff but hadn't associated it with men. But i did have a lot of beef with my father especially. And he had been a pain in my lufe foe as long as i could remember. In vipassanna you learn to sit with your sensations, not judging, not attending, acxepting and observing them within the wholeness of every other sensation gross and subtle in your body. I was finally able to do this for 1 hour and the sensation, the pain changed, massively changed going from pain intensity of 100 to around 15. I let go energetically. And feelings about my relationship with my dad also changed.\n\nAnd now with recent massages, i am easing it out physically energy from a new part if myself.\nIt maybe Time to find another 10 day vipassanna\n\n![images (11).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmdaRjamdMqgLAvZemLKNkc2WtrV4VNimwkZcuCCgcAKje/images%20(11).jpeg)\n\nSo im reading alot about psoas muscle...\nPhysiologically the psoas muscle affects the length of the leg.\n\n![250px-Anterior_Hip_Muscles_2.PNG](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmSwpYJtRhZDevbmdhcYSo7BuCsxAV3W6tmutUDyZ26tdX/250px-Anterior_Hip_Muscles_2.PNG)\n\nI was born with one leg significantly longer than the other. I don't remember any of this but have been told. My dear dad refused to have his daughter have a limp. And I am eternally grateful to him for finding a shoe maker who over my childhood years built extensions to the shoe of my shorter leg so that I didn't have a significant limp for the rest of my life. The extension was lowered each time I got new shoes, which over a period of years straightened me out. \nIt seems likely that the straightening was probably located in the psoas muscle which would have tightened and constricted over a period of years. I wonder if my leg will get longer again lol I also have a scoliosis of the spine. Which I totally don't acknowledge so have no issues with. And it's interesting that what i am seeking in my life and have been for sometime is balance. \n\nEmotionally the psoas muscle is connected to our flight and fright system. Which is pretty much everything involved in readiness to run or fight. \nBreathing digestion back legs knees all of it so when we experience fear or anxiety the psoas contracts and curls in readiness but if not activated all that tension is held there, physically and emotionally, as fear and anxiety are emotional responses. \nThis huge deep muscle literally holds all that unrepressed emotion and how many of us in our daily lives feel fear stress anxiety with no ability in this modern world to run away or fight. Releasing tension is this muscle will very likely release old trapped emotions. \nAs my journey to my second life was about overcoming fear and terror, wihich i was successful in doing but i can only imagine at a physical level what is held inside me.....\nOh yes I do, I am just getting a taste of it now...\n\nI going to continue practising meditation to manage the emotions as they arise and release not become part of them\nAs this is both a physical and emotional (metaphysical) experience\n\nI am also changing my diet..\nTaking fish oil capsules\nMorning Tumeric, ginger, cucumber, lime infusion \nCutting out red and processed meats (goodbye sausages...my dear friend lol) \nAnyway for now I will continue with massages\nGentle exercise, swimming, yoga\nAttend TRE session\n\nAgain this is only a sensation created within myself, If I made it I can manage it\nAgain sorry for the previous postings \nI didn't fully understand what was happening and was completely caught in it all\n\nThanks for your kind messages and love\n❤❤❤❤❤❤",
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      "body": "@@ -16,17 +16,17 @@\n ued and \n-i\n+I\n 'd never\n@@ -97,28 +97,42 @@\n was \n+doing alot of  \n research\n-ing\n  and hav\n-e\n+ing\n  a w\n@@ -161,16 +161,28 @@\n massage.\n+ At the time\n  I thoug\n@@ -184,17 +184,17 @@\n thought \n-i\n+I\n  was let\n@@ -213,17 +213,17 @@\n ut what \n-i\n+I\n  was doi\n",
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      "body": "My posts continued and i'd never really been honest about being in pain before.\nAt this stage i was researching and have a weekly / biweekly thai massage. I thought i was letting going but what i was doing was opening up and it hurt so bad.....\n\n![images (9).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmT8FUBrZvKwBQgeA6ovcSGsVsjyWXTBHbCfh1bCgKkjiP/images%20(9).jpeg)\n\nPosting on February 11th \nFeeling annoyed and frustrated with myself...\nI Cannot seem to use the practice and knowledge I have learned to be and to accept whatever with the fuuuuucking pain I am with.\nVipassana, long breath, meditation....arrrrggggghhh....\ni had no idea that the bloody annoying twinge and ache in my groin was gonna take me where its taking me\n\nAll I feel is pain...and they are shitty miserable feelings and Emotions connected to it. \nSadness, pity, vulnerability, weakness, aching, ugh...just shite feelings. \nLeaving me curled up, rocking in fetal position, in pain, as no position alliviates the sensations. In those moments I feel really vulnerable, frustrated, hearing myself murmuring\"....just please go away, please let it stop\"\n\nAll kinds of stuff coming up about my family relationships and all the regrets and mistakes made by my parents and by myself as a parent. All sorts of memories, feelings, shadows around motherhood and mothering. \n\nThe last massage in my hip oh my god, it was so intense my breath was the breathe of labour and I felt the fear associated with becoming a mum when i truly wasn't ready. At one point I almost begged the massuse to stop, as I felt exhausted dealing with the pain. \n\nThe pain is worse when I'm laying down and at night and somewhere, not yet cleared is all the years of sexual behaviour and all the disfunction, pain around that. I believe the hips are also attached to the sacral chakra associated with sexual desire. Oh good...not!!!\n\nI have definately opened up some old nasty shit and I can't stop now and not giving up as I've got not choice. The massage last week was beginning of clearing some stuff out and going for more but I've got to find a way of coping with what comes after...the hip seems to be opening and then closing, continuing to trap and block. I'm  Feeling a bit tender at the moment...with night and mornings being the worst.\n\nI'm doing lots of research, food, anatomy, energy, yoga, physiology, metaphysical meanings, chakras..all sorts.\n\nIt's really fascinating what we don't know about ourselves. No wonder so many people suffer from back pain, knee pain, hip pain, emotional pain. So much of it held in this huge muscle which also physically connected to our breathing and digestion. It struck me how many women particularly I know who hold in their emotions and the millions beyond and how common place hip replacements are. \nMaybe not an issue of age....???\n\nEverything is connected both inside and outside so as I change or affect one part of myself, there will inevitably be a knock on effect. As i released and straightened my shoulder joint, shifted the pain in my knees and deepened my breathing so energy has moved shifted and some cleared and gone, like layers of an onion, i open up and reveal more of myself to myself. We have over 72,000 channels in our bodies. So to not think one thing is not connected to another is a total illusion.\n\nLook at these simplified images of some if the major channels in the body, all connected, carrying every aspect of ourselves throughout ourselves.\nWe have no idea what we are and so what we are capable of. It us my belief the better i understand myself from any tradition or perspective the less ignorance i will have and more tools at my disposal to help make myself healthy.\n\n![images (10).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYsynGvq58tzRX8M9mRyddBH1eVoy6vCHPbJtxcXH69U6/images%20(10).jpeg)\n\n![aHR0cDovL3d3dy5saXZlc2NpZW5jZS5jb20vaW1hZ2VzL2kvMDAwLzAzNy85MDQvb3JpZ2luYWwvaHVtYW4tYm9keS1uZXJ2b3VzLTEzMDMwMS5qcGc=.webp](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYr8mhZJAmPNJx3CXcdNZWuDeYoasCM9KoPwsRdgPRk4b/aHR0cDovL3d3dy5saXZlc2NpZW5jZS5jb20vaW1hZ2VzL2kvMDAwLzAzNy85MDQvb3JpZ2luYWwvaHVtYW4tYm9keS1uZXJ2b3VzLTEzMDMwMS5qcGc=.webp)\n\n![1101_female-muscular-system-chart.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmWzx5Eq7hF8WkjKYCtXWqyyydDLwgQ1HaLc1toxHLVLx7/1101_female-muscular-system-chart.jpg)\n\nI am extremely grateful to be discovering all this and not everyone will agree with my beliefs but I do suggest that most of us have absolutely no idea of the workings of the vehicle in which our energy is carried.\n\nThere's lots more I can do and will do.\ncut out meat (nooooooo)\nincrease intake of natural anti inflammatories. Found some yoga exercises,\nSwimming\nThere's something here called TRE which is all about releasing trauma (hate that word) from psoas region and there's a session this week\nContinued massage \nStrengthening breathing techniques\n\nMy biggest challenge now is managing the pain at night and emotions which seems to be intimately associated with releasing and opening of this massive important muscle and my sacorial region.",
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      "body": "Congratulations @ordinarybird! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@ordinarybird/posts.png?201903240404</td><td>You published more than 10 posts. Your next target is to reach 20 posts.</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@ordinarybird) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](http://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=ordinarybird)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\nTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/happy-birthday-the-steem-blockchain-is-running-for-3-years\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://u.cubeupload.com/arcange/BG6u6k.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/happy-birthday-the-steem-blockchain-is-running-for-3-years\">Happy Birthday! In a few hours, the Steem blockchain will be running for 3 years.</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Instinctively i knew may pain wasn't an illness or sickness. And so i decided to learn more about my body and whats going on inside me. Reminding myself of what i forgot i knew and adding new insights.\nAfter several massages my body memory and emotions began to seep out.....and so i continued to investigate.....\n\n\nFebruary 8th \n\nWow..\nThe more research I do....\nThe more oh my god moments I have as my body continues to tell me the truth about myself, where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. I just didn't understand the language it was speaking. Most of us are utterly disconnected with our bodies. \n\nMost of us  don't even notice our breathing, the essence of who we are. Our first breath shows we begin living in this body. Our last breath that we have left the body. To not realise how essential this relationship between body and breathe is to miss something fundamental about purselves. We only notice our body when it screams at us in pain or changes unexpectedly or stops us entirely. It is always speaking to us. We just don't know how to listen.\n\nNLP training began to teach me about mind body connection and gave me a tadte of quantum entanglent. So incredible. And then Vipassana was my first real teacher in the aspect of breath and healing and experience of  the quantum within and oud out of me.\nTo be able to sit with intense fire pain in my back right shoulder for hours, giving it no attention. It vanished, dissipated, a sankhara, gone. This healed a lot of pain from violence from my father and brother. \nSo......Stop!!\nFind a quiet place \nAnd breathe, In and out through the nose\nNatural no trying\nJust by feeling the air entering and leaving your nostrils\nAllow thoughts to come and go\nJust observe and feel and note\nIt will take sometime for you to notice as you are so far away from yourself but it will come as it is you...\nThis is the beginning of connecting with the truth of who you actually are. We all know when anxious or angry we breath short and hot, but do we know the impact that has on.our bodies and health cumulatively over years. The yogis did, the buddhists do, the tibetans do and i am sure many other old traditions. In many eastern philosophies there is recognition of the importance of breath for both its ability to cause us illness and to heal us.\n\nReflecting mirroring and reinforcing the work I've been doing in last couple of years and adding depth to the peices of knowledge acquired from all manner of people and places.\nAgain feel very tearful. I have looked for a way to heal myself. So i looked into metaphysical meanings to pains in certain parts of body and physiology of part of body....\n\nBut now understand and instinctively believe that left hip, groin, lower back is female energy, around the mother (and i know there is work to done there both as one and with one) family and healing, gentleness and nuturing. \n\nThe entire psoas area is the only connector of the back and front, left and right.....its an interesting muscle and i think it is a significant connection I've been seeking. \n\nThis place can help me balance my overused upper right back, strong, masculine side, with my underdeveloped, weaker feminine side, which when in disturbance can cause alot of emotion....aaaah hence the crying....yak was always saying find the connections in yourself and you will heal yourself.\n\nContinuing to research and learn. Also discovered Interesting stuff around creativity, which im not being and life purpose, which is a bit unclear at the moment. Also Changes in diet and type of exercise I do but that always comes up in my life.\n\nThere are so many modalities for healing and I believe many of us (including me) pooh pooh the old traditions, the intangible and indefinable  and I am so grateful that somehow or other this knowledge which has been around me for many many years, is now becoming part of my life....and my healing...\n\nAnyway going for another massage today. \nThese are allowing and helping me to feel the pathways and connections in my body and soften and open up tissues, sinews and netves that have been holding goodness knows what memories and emotions.\n\nI know that these 2 sides of myself can and will balance and that through these changes my relationships with the most important people also improve. \nAs I type this small tingling tears are at the corner of my eyes and there is a strange flutter feeling around my heart....",
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      "body": "I love the social networking place that shall not be mentioned....and I have and do spend alot of time there as I have real friends and community there and I tend to post there frequently deeply honestly and unashamedly.\n\nIve just been on a big self healing journey\nGoing from horrendous pain to virtually none and without medical intervention.....and i shared it all on social media...in part as a journal for myself but also to prove to others that there are so many other ways of healing ones self.\n\nAnd then a friend said why arent you sharing it on steem.\n\nSo i thought why not.....So here it is\n.......................................................................\n\n\nPart 1 of a successful healing journey....\nWritten 3rd february...\nIll post the remainder over next few days...\n\nSocial networks...a place where we only show the best side of ourselves. Life....a place where we show the world what we want them to see and only share the truth with a few special people.\n\nI read through my postings knowing very well I don't tell always tell the truth about what's going on with me but today it feels different. I'm not always happy and smiling.\n\n![FB_IMG_1553309442651.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmf4fdAY7euRrYsQaVixFsYCyEoFkeFtFDsBii832Bk4ed/FB_IMG_1553309442651.jpg)\n\nOver the last couple of years I have been further breaking myself down to heal.\nHaving changed my mind and my sense of myself, I was able to change my life. \nIt was not easy. \nIt required going to some very scary places, letting go of my miserable identity, to do the one thing that frightened me the most, and step through to the other side being okay with the consequences. I did things most people wouldn't have the balls to do.\n\nI had to do this to begin a process of healing, not only myself but relationships with people most closely entangled with me.\n\nAs I've travelled, I worked on opening my heart, beginning to learn old wisdom about chakras, which i thought were total toss in my old life.\n\nI am still working on my heart, realising that the life i had had caused me to harden my heart, to protect myself, so not only did I not show myself love, I  didn't show it very well to the most important people, my family and children. \n\nStrangely I had the capacity of great love for friends and strangers but the way I showed love to the most important people was definately lacking. And I intend to change that. To heal the mistakes of my past.\nI no longer live in the past but in the present, taking actions which i hope will improve the future for me and mine\nBut the past still lives in me.\n\nI absolutely believe that all illness, all pain, all dis-ease is a manifestation of our beliefs and experiences.\n\nEverytime we are afraid or tense, we hold tension in necks shoulders, and unless we learn how to let that go, our body remembers it, holds it in our physical matter. \n\nThe very language we use about our bodies tells us truths we fail to see. \nWhen worried, we are sick to the stomach, relationships give us pains in the neck, being emotionally mistreated we seek solice in food, alcohol or drugs all affecting our bodies, inflexible bodies tend reflect inflexible personalities. \nEverytime we breath in anxiety, fear, short and hot breath, we don't feed the vital air into the depths of our being, so slowly we suffocate the hundreds of thousands of delicate channels airating us and keeping us healthy and alive. \n\nI've been learning alot about my body, what I do and dont do with it, especially breathing.\n\nWhen I started to travel after 6 years of full on personal development, I wanted to let go of it all, finally and step into a new life. I journeled on my first day of travelling \"i want to let go\" and i did. In a very unexpected way. For over a year I shit my way round SE asia and asia. I picked up ameobic colitis, parasites and eventually dysentry. I literally let go of my shit. The universe provided.\n\nI learnt more through Vipassana, hanging with nuns, being in Ladakh and getting more exercise, going to gym, my first trek so many experiments on myself and my mind-body connection. \n\nThese lessons led me to the Tibetan yak man in nepal. He began teaching me to actively be part of my healing. Learning to let go of physical pains, residues from a past I no longer live. Together we practised a dynamic form of massage with me an active participant in a usually passive activity. We are totally discouraged from being part of our healing, from understanding ourselves. \n\nHe Encouraged me To observe the pain, understand it, find connections within myself to other sensations, open up channels as everything is connected, to unblock, and then to breathe into it and breathe it out, to cleanse myself. \n\nWith the yak man anything out is a celebration, pooh, wind, burps, farts, sweat, tears, ooooh sooo beautiful he would say and my personal experience confirms this. Through this process i miraculously healed long term chronic knee pain and straightened my fingers and have released some triggering in my fingers. A powerful process was begun...\nBut he and I are not together and may never be again. And no one else I know knows what he did so I am finding alternatives way.\n\nI have always had problems with my right shoulder/back/arm/wrist. All the accidents in my life are on this side, very Jungian. This then connects to my left leg, where I've recently had most intense pain in my ankle groin hip and lower back.\n\nMy research showed me the right is my masculine...aaaah...the strong side, the fighter, pragmatic, non emotional which has become over developed from so many years of being strong, fearful of the vulnerability and gentleness of being a woman in a life dominated by threatening men. \n\nI still resist my feminie seeing it as a weakness and knowing for my feminine to rise, I must allow myself to let go of the strength I've held onto for so many years. I dont need it anymore. I'm no longer that person. Its time to Ease out all the tension and history held there in my back, which is the past.\n\nFor the last couple of weeks, I've been having a series of massages and with my broken thai been explaining with massuse what i want to achieve and she is helping me. To find connections, to release.\n\n![FB_IMG_1553309434520.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmVwnZBcKaUcN72zsfmWZpdW8wbDkpr9eCzCqrzFVu5TeU/FB_IMG_1553309434520.jpg)\n\nWorking very much on groin area, which has been hurting for weeks,\nI told a friend I feel a deep sadness in this area and a need to cry that will not come out.\n\nWell 3 sessions of massage starting with clicky neck and shoulders and moving on to intensely working on groin to knee and hip areas seems to have done the job...which has kept me up most nights, all night, with a deep deep throbbing toothache, sharp stabbing and radiating down all the sinews in my thigh to my knees, so much pain, so much emotion....\n\nAnd today I finally popped...\n\nAnd with in 12 hours, I went from cheery festival glam to swollen, weeping crying. Interesting how easy It was to share the festival picture but not so easy to show the other side of myself puffed up, tired, emotional and in pain.\n\n![FB_IMG_1553309446274.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUdYnE6CX1z3rXTasjamU5uN55b4GqjhTPUQB9XX6XMqH/FB_IMG_1553309446274.jpg)\n\nReleasing old emotions is emotional. Yesterday I was Deeply in my pain and sadness and grateful for the cleansing tears and release of old feelings trapped in my body causing me pain. \nI wish I hadn't listened to people who told me not to cry. If tears come, I'm gonna let them come, i am going to cry this out, just as I shit it out as I am Grateful to be letting and gaining greater understanding of myself so I can heal my most important relationships.\n\nI continuing with the massages and gonna be looking into something called (trauma release something or other, dunno but its all about the abdoman and pelvic area where i know my emotions are stuck) and family constellations again. The most life changing process I ever took part in. The work is not done because the journey isnt over, because I am still alive.\n\nThis is not a sad posting but a celebration\n\nWe learn more in our pain, sadness and fear than we ever will in our joy and happiness.\n\nThe thing you most resist is the place where you will learn, grow, change and transform...",
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      "title": "Part 1 ....this pain is too much...Sharing my pain and self healing can help someone else...."
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      "body": "thank you.  yes, it's a learning curve.  for example I didn't realise you replied to my comment until now - I'm used to other platforms giving me some type of notification! \nMy topic area is self development, mindset feminism, life coaching - so I'll be sharing tips and tools, also helping artists in this new age.",
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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @ordinarybird! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@ordinarybird/payout.png?201903020448</td><td>You received more than 10 as payout for your posts. Your next target is to reach a total payout of 50</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_[Click here to view your Board](https://steemitboard.com/@ordinarybird)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\nTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/carnival/@steemitboard/carnival-2019\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://i.cubeupload.com/rltzHT.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/carnival/@steemitboard/carnival-2019\">Carnival Challenge - Collect badge and win 5 STEEM</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) and get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "I was asked this question today. And got me thinking about my moment and wondering about other peoples moments\n![images (6).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYLG6SQV9GKb6CL2DDpLRzkSuUr6FaDiowRZzKWDPe6SE/images%20(6).jpeg)\nThe life changer for me was realising on my 40th birthday, after my dad spoke to me in way he had always spoken to me, that even though deep inside I had always known it, i had never actually acknowledged that I'd lived my life to that point in total fear, terror and petrification. \nI realised that I was probably half way through my life and I utterly refused to live the remainder of my life from that place. Every single decision and non decision, including having my first child, my marriage, divorce, finances, work all of it, were made from a place of fear. \n\nI decided to embark on a journey of 7 years of hard core personal development. I took a zero tolerance attitude to my fear, commited to ending it once and for all. I was extremely hard on myself.\nI did things that terrified me, fire walks, skydives, first tattoo, silent vipassanna, become self employed, so many things big and small, to face, step into, embrace and learn from my fear and pass through. \nI did all of that and still inside me..... fear. \n\nI was avoiding my greatest fear,  \nto tell my parents that they had made mistakes as parents and that my fear was learnt in the family home. \nI was so scared, how the hell was i gonna have that conversation. The thought of it brought night terrors, agrophobic responses, all manner of physical and emotional reactions to taking the lid off of my greatest and original source of me terror.\nThankfully I was led to a powerful family  constellation workshop which was pivotal in energetically enabling me to resolve with my dad. \nAnd i was then able to tell my parents my truth.  Unsurprisingly, they cut me off but i was okay, because finally I was free. Dad died during that time and now i am rebuilding my relationship with my mum.\n\nI now continue my journey seeking healing to now help heal the mistakes I made as woman who raised children in fear and terror. It's quite a journey.\n\nHas there been a moment in your life, that has altered the course of your life?\n\n\n#change #family #transformation #courage #growth #love #familyconstellation",
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